Ask most parents and they'll tell you they dread the idea of having the sex talk with their children. Although, most will admit that it is unavoidable.

But whose duty is it to have the talk with the children? Is it the mother's, the father's, or both? What's the right age to start talking to them about sex? These are some of the questions that parents ponder when it comes to sensitising their children to sex and sexuality. In its mini survey, Flair found that many adults did not get 'the talk'. They acquired their knowledge from older siblings.

Getting the basics

Thirty-four-year-old Dayne got the basics from his father, anything else he wanted to know he said he got from his older brothers.

"My dad basically taught me the basics. He is one of those traditional fathers who did not really sit with his sons and teach them about sex. However, he taught us about treating women with respect, and his example in how he treated my mother reinforced these principles for me as a man and a husband.

"Traditional Jamaican men rarely speak to their sons about such issues; it's seen as taboo. I believe I learned more about sex from my brother. I remember him sitting me down and talking to me saying, 'If you plan to have sex, make sure you use a condom'. In my house you just didn't talk about such things."

Now in his mid-50s, Derek, now a father, did not get the sex talk from his parents, nor did he have one with any of his three daughters.

"Back in the day, the only risk you had was pregnancy and gonorrhoea. It's not like now when sex is so high risk."

He bought his first daughter the book, On Becoming A Woman, saying he had hoped her mother had the talk with her. He figured his other daughters asked their older sister anything they wanted to know.

However, counsellor at Family Life Ministries, Jennifer James, says it's very important for both parents to have the 'talk'. She said that it's not just about imparting biological facts, but imparting values. She said that parents who are not comfortable with their sexuality are not comfortable talking to their children about sex. "Children are going to get the information from peers, media, popular culture, from all random sources, and not necessarily the right information or values."

Answer questions

She advises parents to answer questions about sex honestly. But first they should try to find out why the child wants to know. They should be given relevant and age-appropriate information at different stages.

This was the case for Brian. Now 45, he got many talks about sex from his father. It began at primary school when he told him about 'good touch and bad touch'. "Then, in first to second form in high school he told me, 'Now you can get a girl pregnant so you must make sex wait and focus on your books.' In fifth form now he started talking to me about girlfriends and told me about protection. In my early 20s he even gave me condoms. When I was about 25, he told me, 'Don't marry the first girl you think you love, get some experience.' Any problem I had I could talk to him about."

The scare talk

There are some fathers who think it's more important to have the sex talk with their daughters. Nadine said her father scared her about boys. "He told me all the negative things about them. He gave me from a man's perspective, he was very protective."

James explained that nothing is wrong with getting your child a book that teaches about sexuality and sex. However she advises, "Read with your child or open the channels for discussion. If you let them see your discomfort, they may think it's something wrong." She notes that children are going to get information from various sources and it's the parents' responsibility to put it in context.

Name changed for privacy