Q. Hello, doc. I am female, age 41, and my sex life seems to have gone totally wrong in the last few months. And I would like to know why.When I was young, I was what I suppose you might call a 'hottie'. I loved sex, and could not get enough of it. I was very popular with the boys.
Then I got married to the man I loved. We settled down together happily, and had three children. During all of our marriage, we always had a real good time in bed. He was a wonderful husband.
Sadly, he passed on five years ago. I was devastated. But I knew I had to 'get on with life' and bring up my children.
They have all left home now, and are doing well. So that is good. But when they went, my thoughts began to turn to sex again. I started to realise that maybe I could form a new relationship.
So, a few months ago, I agreed to a 'blind date'. The guy turned out to be marvellous, handsome, witty, respectful - and quite well off! However, I am not concerned about his money.
After a week or two, he told me that he loved me. And I guess I love him. So, before long, we went to bed together.
I imagined that everything would be just great - like it had been with my husband. Unfortunately, this was NOT so. You see, doc, the fact is that somehow my vagina has become too loose over the years. So intercourse does not really satisfy either of us. I can scarcely feel him when he is inside me.
And although he has been nice about it, it is clear that he does not find me a 'snug fit'. Because I am so loose, he has difficulty in discharging inside me. This has caused tensions between us, even though he does try to be understanding about it.
Doc, I am really afraid that he will leave me and go off with some other woman who has a tighter vagina. I am desperate to stop that happening! What can I do, doc? And why has this happened to me? Is it because of all the sex I had when I was in my 20s?
A. No, it is not caused from sex. Contrary to what some people imagine, sexual intercourse does not make the vagina wider.
What does make the vaginal passage wider is childbirth - and particularly repeated childbirth. That is why the vagina is more 'open' in mothers than it is in virgins.
Also, if the woman's labour is difficult or prolonged, that can damage the muscles and other structures that support the womb and the vagina.
Immediately after giving birth, a good way of avoiding this problem is to do special pelvic muscle exercises. I do not know if you were taught them when you had your children, but really, it is an excellent idea for all new mothers to carry them out.
Anyway, here you are today at age 41 with the problem that your vagina is much too 'wide open' for either you or your guy to get real satisfaction. What can you do about it?
Well, there are three things which I would recommend.
First, I think you must have an internal examination from a doctor - to see precisely what state the vagina is in, and how badly the pelvic muscles are affected. Depending on what the doc finds, you may well be sent to a gyno to see if there is a possibility of taking a 'repair' operation - to tighten everything up. Second, I urge you to start doing those 'pelvic exercises' right away. Any doc, midwife or nurse can tell you how to carry them out. They involve contracting the muscles vigorously again and again, in several sessions each day - over a period of at least six months. Third, there is a trick which you can use for purely temporary help. An English gynaecologist has recently reported that if a woman who is in your situation slips a VERY small vibrator into her vagina before sex, and keeps it there throughout, then that will make everything feel much better for both man and woman.Please remember that you have to use a tiny vibrator - one which is only about as big as a small cigar. This provides 'bulk,' and fills out your vagina. Whether you switch the vibrator on before putting it in is up to you.
I do urge you to talk frankly to your man about this vaginal problem. And, obviously, if you decide to use the 'vibrator trick', you will need to let him know beforehand! I do hope that you are wrong in saying that he might leave you for another 'snugger' woman. If he genuinely loves you, that really should not happen. I wish you both well.
Q. I am a guy who may have to take a 'prostate' operation. Will this affect my sex life?A. Yes, I am afraid it will. So ask the surgeon specialist to tell you exactly what he is going to do, and what effect it will have. I shall be explaining prostate surgery fully in next week's Outlook.
Q. I have just been on a business trip to Miami, and I am ashamed to say that I was unfaithful to my wife while I was there. To be blunt, doc, I went with a hooker. Could I have picked up any infection?A. The chances of catching infection from a 'lady of the night' in Miami are high. Please get yourself a full medical check-up IMMEDIATELY. Until you have been told that you don't have a sexually transmitted disease, please do not have sex with your wife.
Q. I am a woman in my late 20s, and already I have some 'greyness' in my pubic hair. Is this normal?A. I have had several emails from women who have noticed the same thing. Greying of the pubic hairs does sometimes start in the 20s, and is not due to any disease. If you do not like the appearance, you could have the grey hairs removed by electrolysis or laser treatment. It is also possible to dye the pubic hair, but you have to be real careful when doing this - because the tissues are so delicate down there.
Q. I am a guy who is strongly tempted to commit adultery. Could I get medication from a doc to calm my desires?A. That would be almost impossible. Instead, I advise you to seek counselling immediately.
Q. I am female, age 26, and my partner is 11 years older than me. After we have sex, I get a bad vaginal smell. Does this mean he has given me VD?A. Your symptoms do not suggest VD, but I think you should see a doc to have an examination, and to have a swab sent to the lab.
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