THE BIRTH of any child is often an emotional time for the family. Thoughts as to the future needs of the offspring are prominent in the minds of the parents. In many cases, preparations are made for clothing, room space or nursery, and even sometimes, school registration, from the time the mother-to-be is pregnant.

Yet, how many parents think consciously about their ability and responsibility to nurture a positive self-esteem in their child? Self-esteem describes how the individual feels about himself. A positive self-esteem implies an acceptance by the individual that he is loveable and worthwhile.

Benefits of positive self-esteem

There are definite benefits to having a positive self-esteem. Persons who value themselves are able to genuinely love and respect others. They have greater confidence in their own abilities. As a result, they are able to achieve more of their potential, in all areas of their lives. They are also able to recover more easily from disappointments and failures. They are more likely to be happy and well-adjusted individuals.

On the other hand, neglect of this side of a child's development can result in serious consequences for the individual, family and the larger community. A person with a poor self-esteem is more likely to get involved in abusive relationships (as the abuser or the abused), more likely to abuse alcohol and, or drugs and more likely to hurt himself and, or others. A person with a poor self-esteem is more likely to be unhappy in life.

Take, for instance, Jamaica's crime situation. If you have a young man who does not value his own life or does not feel loved, then he cannot/will not, respect other people's feelings, property or even their lives.

Parental attitudes

There are several parental attitudes and behaviours that have the potential to damage the child's self image. The use of sarcasm or belittling comments, as well as, negative labels erode the child's sense of self-worth. If your son is told, "How yu so worthless" or hears, "Him rude, yu see!" enough times, he may then start to believe it. Then, there is no reason to even try to behave better, as he realises that nothing better is expected of him. Similarly, using "bad-words" or cursing around your child can be harmful, as the child may interpret this to mean that you do not respect him.

Sometimes as parents, we inadvertently punish good behaviour. For instance, the teenager may go to the parent and report proudly, "I have finished my school assignment two days early." To this, the parent answers sarcastically, "Well, that's a switch! Normally, I have to be behind you to do your schoolwork." The teenager then walks away, feeling hurt and disheartened.

Demonstrating a lack of acceptance of the child is also harmful. This may be expressed through frequent comparisons with other children ("Why can't you behave like your sister?"), as well as by constant criticism or a domineering attitude. Being over-protective can also be harmful. If the child is not allowed to solve problems and conflicts on his own, then he does not develop confidence in his own ability to manage.

Sometimes as parents, we send the message that our love is conditional on good behaviour. "I can't love you if you kick your brother." Additionally, sometimes we make the mistake of not spending quality time with our children - listening to them, or playing with them.

There are several strategies that can be used to build self-esteem. First, as parents we must admit to any lack of acceptance and identify the cause. There are many reasons why children are rejected. Some common reasons include: "I really wanted a son, but got a daughter." "My child looks just like his father, who treated me so badly!" "I feel guilty because I got pregnant even though I wasn't married."

Discipline your child as a means of guiding his behaviour, rather than of embarrassing him. Label the behaviour, not the child ("No, Keisha, biting is naughty"; this instead of, "You are naughty!"). Avoid pressuring your child to do things "perfectly" all the time, as this may make him afraid to fail, and so afraid to try. Help your child to develop a skill or talent. This can balance out deficiencies, for instance, in academic ability.

Encourage your child's successes and efforts. Above all things, show affection and let your child know that you love him every day.

Dr Petagay Scott Brown is a paediatrician.