Heather Little-White, Ph.D., Contributor

Affairs never solve the problems that lead to them.
- Emily Brown

Persons who engage in extra-marital affairs may have doubts about their sense of self as they question or rationalise their errant ways. As Mary responds to the Outlook articles, Married Men and their Mistresses and Women Who Cheat, personally speaking, I was involved with a married man a long time ago. It was good while it lasted, but I am not going there again ... I want a man for myself ... I don't want a man who is going to leave my bed at 3 a.m. to go home to his wife ... I want a man of my own.

Mary's decision to desist from relationships with married men could be influenced by her strong sense of self and the fact that she knows she deserves better. Simply, she wants her own man. Persons who engage in relationships with married men or women usually undergo extreme stress, suffering silently as they try to keep the affair secret.

Poor sense of self

According to social worker, Gary Direnfeld, affairs are about anything but love. Romance has nothing to do with it. Harm to the persons involved is an inevitable conclusion. This is hardly the example adults in these affairs would want for their children. Little wonder affairs only happen in secret. Patrick Carnes, PhD writing in Sexual Anorexia states that, "We can hide with sex, we can hide from sex, but we cannot be fully ourselves and hide." This shatters self-esteem and even when persons are successful in business and other areas of their lives, deep down their happiness is warped because of a poor sense of self."

Self-esteem, defined by Dr Nathaniel Branden, writing in the Psychoanalysis of Self-Esteem, "is the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It is confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think. By extension, it is confidence in our ability to learn, make appropriate choices and decisions, and respond effectively to change. It is also the experience that success, achievement, fulfilment - happiness - are right and natural for us. The survival-value of such confidence is obvious; so is the danger when it is missing".

Affairs happen

Affairs happen. Participants present affairs as starting by chance and based upon love and mutual adoration. The relationship advances from flirtation to infatuation. This can happen quickly or over considerable time. Eventually, there is an expectation that the affair advance to sexual behaviour. The participants then claim each other as true love partners who understand each other better than their own spouses. It sounds so romantic and so beyond their control. The relationship continues in secrecy. However, deep down, they feel at odds, like an underdog because they may never be elevated to that number-one position. Some may develop an obsessive concern or worry about the long-term intentions their lover, not knowing if and when they will be dumped if the affair is discovered by wife or husband.

Social recluse

It is not uncommon for the 'other person' to feel shame or loathing because of his or her involvement with someone else's wife or husband. These feelings may affect his or her work and interaction with family and friends. They shun social events especially those requiring attendance with a guest, preferably of the opposite sex. These 'other persons' may create empires in their homes where they can secretly entertain friends common to them and their lovers. However, there is still an anxiety and stress associated with living this secret life.

What is most important for those involved in secret affairs to realise is that they are not in healthy, loving relationships. Those relationships can be emotionally and psychologically damaging. Affairs are secretive by nature and represent a betrayal of fidelity. Hence, they contribute to marital turmoil and demise. Because of these factors, affairs also diminish personal integrity.

Conflicting feelings

It is hard to feel good about oneself entirely in this situation. In trying to cope with negative feelings of self, a person may shut out those feelings with which they feel uncomfortable, a psychological process known as disassociation or splitting. However, because of the process, the person may not be fully integrated in terms of feelings, thoughts and actions and may lose integrity. (www.womansdivorce.com)

Persons who end up in secret affairs may come from a family where this practice is inter-generational. There is usually one member of the household who may be involved with a married man or woman. As such, it becomes institutionalised and considered acceptable. It places the persons involved in a vulnerable position and they are always on the defensive to justify the action.

Unexplained duty

In a culture where sex is viewed a prudish by some and negative messages prevail in socialising institutions (home, church, school) any behaviour outside of what is considered proper, impacts on the self-esteem of the participants. It is easy to feel depressed because on the one hand you know you are doing something wrong, yet on the other, out of an 'unexplained duty' to your lover, you feel compelled to continue the relationship.

To boost self-esteem, persons who tend to end up in secret affairs must understand that

1) They have a choice in decisions they make. Dr Branden posits that "we control the switch that turns consciousness brighter or dimmer".

2) They must be firm in what they believe to be wrong or right.

3) They must be rational - that is, reality-focused - automatically, operating their minds in such a way as to make themselves appropriate to life which is ultimately a function of their choices.

According to Branden, "Self-esteem is not the euphoria or buoyancy that may be temporarily induced by a drug, a compliment, or a love affair. It is not an illusion or hallucination. If it is not grounded in reality, if it is not built over time through the appropriate operation of mind, it is not self-esteem."