Dear Counsellor:

I am a bit confused. I have been in a relationship for the past six months and I really like the girl. However, something happened recently that jolted me. I went to her home unexpectedly and I was surprised to hear her on the top of her voice cursing the neighbour.

She was quite surprised to see me as she was not expecting me. She apologised profusely, saying that she is not like that but she had been provoked beyond her limit.

Looking at her, I would not have thought that she would have been like that because she is soft-spoken. She does not know the thoughts that were going through my mind, but I was really taken aback by what happened.

I need your advice as I am from a decent family. What is it that would have caused her to behave like this and how should I proceed from here?

- Mark

Dear Mark:

There are several factors. One factor is the home in which she was brought up. If confrontation was dealt with in that manner in her home, that would be the norm. Her community could also have had an impact.

provocation

She may be telling the truth - perhaps she was provoked. But can provocation make you loud if that quality is not in you? I would say that it would bring out what is inside you. Recently, I was talking with someone who regrets a relationship because every time there is a conflict in the home the entire neighbourhood knows because the other partner is so loud.

This causes her to feel ashamed whenever she is leaving the house. The unfortunate thing is that he does not think that he is doing anything wrong and if she talks about how loud he is, he gets louder.

There is a Jamaican proverb that says that one does not know what is inside the person until you 'step on the person's toes'. To say that you are from a decent family, does that mean that you may not become loud if you are provoked?

And on the flip side, to say that because she was loud, means that she is not from a decent family? What one family may consider decent another may not. One may consider her loudness as vulgarity while another may see it as her ability to stand up for her right. To determine whether or not you should continue the relationship is something that you will have to give serious thought and a decision that you will have to make. I would advise that you talk to her honestly about the feelings you have concerning what had happened.

Dear Counsellor:

I met a guy six weeks ago and we spend every waking moment together. I have some close friends who say that my boyfriend and I need to give each other breathing space. When I tell him what they said, he says that my friends are jealous of us. What is your opinion on the matter and do you think we need to give each other space?

- Cynthia

Dear Cynthia:

It takes time to get to know somebody. A person will do and say everything to please you in order to get what he or she wants. Based on your description of the relationship, this sounds like you are excluding others from your relationship. There is nothing wrong with an exclusive relationship, but with this type of a friendship one can become entangled before getting to know the other person. If the relationship ends, the person may have a difficulty moving on and may lose some valuable friends in the process. An exclusive relationship is preparation for a committed relationship.