Wendel Abel - I AM WHAT I THINK SHE LEFT work early that afternoon. He trailed her as she drove into the service station. He pulled his pistol. Carmen was shot three times. Dead. Another victim of domestic violence!
Domestic violence is a pattern of control, which is associated with physical, sexual and emotional abuse. It occurs in situations where one individual attempts to exercise power, dominance and control over the partner and to keep the partner in a submissive and subordinate position. Studies have shown that 20 to 50 per cent of women have been victims of physical abuse by their partners at some times in their lives.
The violence very often starts with verbal abuses and then progresses to a slap or a punch. It gradually escalates over time and becomes more frequent and intense. A cycle soon sets in - the abuse is followed by period of sadness and remorse and the cycle continues.
"After each episode of violence, he was apologetic and promised not to repeat the beatings. He was so loving during this period and sex was great. We would make up, things would be fine for a while and then the beatings would start again and the cycle repeats itself," reported a Kingston housewife.
Why do women stay?
A battered woman's world is very complex. She is tied up in the abusive relationship and it is not so simple for many women to walk out. Women remain in these difficult relationships for a number of reasons. One woman reported, "I felt trapped for seven years. I feared that any attempt to resist or complain would provoke worse violence. My self esteem was poor and I was passive and emotionally dependent on my husband. I stayed with him as I thought he would change."
Another woman reported that she remained because she was financially dependent and she was afraid of breaking up the family. "I did not want my children to experience a broken home. My father battered my mother for years and when she left him, I never forgave her for breaking up the family. I now understand why she left. It is very painful."
"My husband was extremely insecure, demanding and jealous. He always accused me of doing things I never did and having affairs with other men. He always made me feel guilty and did everything to control my life. He completely isolated me from my girlfriends and my family. After two years of marriage I realised I had no support system," complained Carmen who recently left an abusive marriage.
"I had walked out six times and returned. I finally had the courage to call it quits after enduring the abusive relationship. I had lost all my self esteem and confidence. I blamed myself for everything that happened," said a wife of five years.
PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECTS
Women who experience domestic violence are at risk of developing depression, anxiety, sexual dysfunction, post-traumatic stress disorder and difficulty in establishing future stable relationships. In addition, this impacts negatively on children.
TIPS FOR HELPING ABUSED
1. Validate the person's experience. Don't let them feel worthless.
2. Help to strengthen their self esteem, sense of power and their coping abilities
3. Encourage them to seek professional help
TIPS FOR THE PERSON BEING ABUSED
Research has shown that once someone hits, they may repeat it. A woman should not believe that because an abuser is apologetic they would change.
1. Set boundaries early in your relationship.
2. If a pattern of abuse starts and the abuser is remorseful and sincere insist that he seeks treatment. If both parties can communicate and co-operate to reshape the relationship there is hope.
3. If the abuser refuses to seek treatment and refuses to take responsibility for his action. You are in trouble. Formulate an exit plan. This exit plan may involve becoming financially independent, getting a job or getting somewhere to live.
4. If you feel your life is in danger seek help immediately.
Where is help available?
There are a number of services available in the community that one can consult to get assistance the local police, the Bureau of Women's Affairs, the Women's Crisis Centre in your parish, the Legal Aid Clinic, the Family Court, the Probation Services, the Children's Services.
This is the testimony of one female. "The body mends soon enough, only the scar remains. But the wounds inflicted upon the soul take much longer to heal. And each time I relive these moments, they start bleeding all over again. The broken spirit has taken the longest to mend--..." (WHO).
Dr. Wendel Abel is a Consultant Psychiatrist and Senior Lecturer, University of the West Indies.
