Q. I met a girl in 1995 and started a relationship shortly after. We had a daughter the following year.
I cheated on her and she found out. We, however, worked things out. We got engaged in 2003 and she subsequently gave birth to a son. I was surprised to find out she was married all along.
I helped her get a visa and she went to the US in 2004 where she linked up with her husband in order to get her green card.
It's been five years since she went away and she has only visited once. All the other times, I went to see her. She sent for the children and made them overstay on their visitor's visas. I have visited three times since this year.
The third time while making love, she was so 'loose' that I had to stop. She also had a high odour. She explained that it was the medication she was taking that caused the smell. My belief is she is having an affair and is lying about it. I want out but she is asking me to stay. What do you think?
AYour issue has to do with making a decision about a perceived unfaithfulness based on a 'loose' vagina and high odour.
You do not appear to be worried that she is married to get her resident alien status in the US. Obviously, you have forgiven her for not telling you that she was married all along. Apparently, you have recognised that some women engage in 'business marriages' out of financial desperation.
However, you are wondering if there is an affair she is hiding like how she hid her 'marriage'. A loose vagina, however, is not a sign of cheating and having sexual intercourse. The probable likelihood for a loose vagina is childbirth. In addition, some women are tighter than others. Fortunately, there are exercises to tighten up. The odour could be a fungal infection, bacteria or a sexually transmitted infection (STI). She needs to visit a doctor quickly and you should do a test. If she has an STI, she has to explain how she contracted it.
Long-distance relationships are not the ideal and yours is difficult. You complained she visited you only once. However, if she is trying to get her immigrant papers it is hardly likely she can travel. It is surprising that she could travel even once if she is attempting to get her green card.
Establish boundaries
If you are to maintain this relationship, you then have to establish boundaries. Since you do not want her to be involved with anyone else sexually, you must tell her. You must also pledge to be faithful. Perhaps, she may believe that while you are in Jamaica you may be unfaithful based on your past misdeed. Furthermore, a timeline is needed when you both will live together as husband and wife and work towards that goal.
This 14-year-old relationship needs to have some goals. If she wants you stay, you must consider if you are willing to forgive and trust her again, even if she has contracted an STI. In addition, you have two children and they ought to factor in your decision. Furthermore, are you willing to migrate or is she willing to return to Jamaica with the children?
Want to contact the counsellor? Email: editor@gleanerjm.com
