A mother twisting in grief after the murder of her loved one. - file

Losing your loved one is one of the most sorrowful experiences of life. It's something that no one relishes but everyone will have to cope with at some time in life. In Jamaica, hundreds of people lose their loved ones through violence more than natural causes of death. In 2008 there were 1,647 violent deaths in Jamaica.

The trauma is even worse when a loved one is lost through violence. The suddenness of it is shocking. We see scenes on television of family members screaming, shouting and even fainting in disbelief after learning that a loved one has been murdered. It is all right to grieve openly. It is important to remember that losing a loved one is difficult. Often, grieving family members suffer privately after losing a loved one because they believe that grieving is a sign of weakness. Mental health experts advise that losing a loved one is a difficult time for everyone so there is no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed at feeling sad or confused after losing a loved one.

Fitting funeral

Whatever method a family takes to initiate healthy grieving, it is always important to remember that losing a loved one is extraordinarily difficult.

Organising a fitting funeral is, perhaps, the most common way to initially cope with the loss. Funerals follow a wide variety of formats and customs according to the religious culture of the deceased and are important for those who have lost a loved one to express their grief publicly.

Eulogies are typically moving tributes composed and delivered in order to celebrate the life of the person. After writing and delivering a touching eulogy, losing a loved one can often seem less like an ending but more like a beginning of precious memories that will last forever. Funerals allow family, friends and well-wishers to grieve with the immediate relatives of the dead.

Stages of grief

Cope with the loss of a loved one involves many discrete stages. A workable model is one commonly known as the five stages of grief from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' book, On Death and Dying.

1. Denial: This is an initial defence for the individual - expressions of disbelief - "I can't believe this is happening to me."

2. Anger: After the reality sets in, disbelief turns to anger with the question 'why me?' and 'who is to blame?' During this phase, the person may be difficult to reason with and may even go into bouts of rage. You may blame yourself that it's your fault. People who lose loved ones to death tend to take responsibility for it.

3. Bargaining: This is coming to grips with the reality and consoling yourself. It is accepting the fact that your loved one's death may have been for a higher calling. You have to come to terms with it, accepting what happened and not live in denial.

4. Depression: Despite what may have happened in the bargaining phase, it is natural to be depressed. However, talk about your feelings. Find a friend, relative, teacher, or anyone you feel comfortable with and let it out. Losing someone you love may cause you to feel brave and bottle up your emotions. This is a quick-fix and you will never truly cope with the loss.

5 Acceptance: You get to the stage of acceptance, remembering your loved one. Think about all the good and bad times you had. This will keep the person alive in your heart and allow you to carry him/her in your spirit. Very often, persons at this stage may want to be left alone to reflect on the life of the loved one.

Tips for coping

Experts offer some common tips for coping with the loss of a loved one.

Memorialise: Find ways of permanently memorialising the loved one. There are a number of healthy ways for good mental health. Families can establish a special place for loved ones to visit to remember the lost family members. Losing a loved one can be made much easier with even a very simple memorial, such as a headstone, located in a well-maintained space available for viewing at any time. Knowing that such a permanent memorial exists can take some of the permanence out of losing a loved one and, accordingly, ease the suffering of grieving family members. Headstones can be used even if the person has been cremated.

Special memorial products such as memorial rocks and cremation jewellery and even keepsake urns can help establish permanent memorials in locations other than a traditional cemetery. It is not uncommon, for example, for people, after losing a loved one, to use these products to establish memorials in a number of locations across the country or even the world.

Get involved with your old activities, take a part-time job if necessary, take evening classes for a short course or become involved in community development work. It is important to interact with people.

Join a support group through your local church or other community groups.

Where there are estate issues, get legal advice and avoid entanglements with family members about 'dead lef'.

Write a poem. Damian penned this poem as he lost his lover and it has helped him to cope.

My Love Left on a Sunday Gone So Soon

You took chances

Once too many times.

As a child you thought -

"Oh no, never me."

Life is a gift,

Given and taken at some

Unknown time.

Your time came too soon -

Your life was over in a flash.

The fun you shared,

The joy you brought,

All just a memory -

Behind us.

-Damian

Michael Jackson's music lives on and his popular song which he recorded, Gone Too Soon, aptly describes the loss of a loved one. Gone Too Soon was dedicated to the memory of Jackson's friend, Ryan White, a teenager from Kokomo, Indiana, who came to national attention, after being expelled from his school for having HIV/AIDS.

Like a comet blazing 'cross the evening sky

Gone too soon

Like a rainbow

Fading in the twinkling of an eye

Gone too soon ...

Shiny and sparkly

And splendidly bright

Here one day

Gone one night

Like a loss of sunlight on a cloudy afternoon

Gone too soon ...

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