Q. I am a young woman furthering my education that I may have a good life in the future, as I am accustomed to.

My parents provided a good home for me and I love them dearly. My father is a senior executive of his company and my mother is a nurse.

The issue I am having, however, is that I have been involved with an older man who is nearly 10 years my senior. To complicate matters, he works closely with my father and people regularly joke that he is my father's son. He is very close with my family and visits us regularly. People think nothing of it when we are alone together because, to them, we are like siblings. This man is the most kind, caring and thoughtful person, and although my family likes him, I strongly doubt they would approve of our relationship. I would never want to disappoint my family but I also do not want to pass up my chance at love and a happy life. What should I do? Do I tell my parents and risk their disapproval or keep the relationship secret and hope for the best?

- I.M., Portland

A It is good that your parents have the means to take good care of you and that you desire to continue the 'good life' through educational empowerment.

Perhaps, for that reason, you are attracted to this working man who can provide the material things for you now and hopefully in the future.

It is advisable that you consider the implications of that age difference. There are potential problems with such age difference as it relates to emotional maturity, intellectual prowess and physical ability. Generational differences can cause marital problems. Sometimes age differences can cause the older to treat the other as a parent would and the younger expects to be pampered and then places the older person on a pedestal.

Not insurmountable

Sometimes, the one earning more money uses this financial strength to have his or her way and expect to dictate the relationship, thus causing a dependency syndrome in the relationship. You might be tempted to compromise or sacrifice your interests, friends, hobbies and activities in order to appear more compatible with your partner. However, as you hinted, these problems are not insurmountable. The significance of the age difference lessens as the partners get older. You need to be aware of the potential problems in this courtship stage. By keeping it secret, you are not able to test how he will react to your friends and you to his friends. You are also unable to test the relationship in different settings to ascertain if you have compatible interests or how you will relate to his family. A secretive lover relationship is too confining and not healthy. It is not advisable to have a secret lover.

However, the problem is having a secret lover who is a close family friend. You appear to have a good relationship with your parents. Therefore, you should share with them, for their appreciation and affirmation, what is happening in your love life. You are running the risk of being seen by your parents as deceitful. In addition, your lover might seem less than trustworthy to your father and it might cause a strain at the workplace. It would most certainly seem as though your lover was taking advantage of the trust of your parents to conduct the relationship behind their back. It seems that anytime the relationship is disclosed it will cause problems.

Nevertheless, it is best for you to tell them and get their response. You should explain that the reason you did not tell them before was that you feared their disapproval, rather than wanting to be secretive or deceitful. The worst-case scenario would be to continue to keep it secret while hoping for the best.

All the best in your relationship but I sense that your older lover will also have some explaining to do to your parents.

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