Single & super - Lonely life for single Christians
Published: Sunday | July 12, 2009
WHEN PATRICE Wilson became a Christian at the age of 37, she obediently broke up with the man she had been dating for five years at the instructions of her pastor and church family.
She did not want to continue living 'a life of sin' with a man who had no plans to change his ways and settle down with her.
Wilson further admitted that she believed if she remained faithful, God would eventually provide her with a husband in the Church.
Thirteen years later, the mother of two adult children, now 50 years old, is still waiting for the Lord to bless her with a husband.
"It's twice as hard for a Christian woman to get married after the age of 35 than it is for a woman outside of the Church," Wilson said. "First of all, women far outnumber men in the Church, plus, the very few men who are available are interested in the younger sisters, so it's a real challenge," she reasoned.
Ostracised
Wilson, who is a member of the Pentecostal faith, further said, in most cases, if a woman were to go outside the flock to find a mate, she would be ostracised.
"It's a very lonely life being a single Christian woman," Wilson admitted to The Sunday Gleaner. "Even though it is not outrightly said, it is often implied that you are not complete, that something is wrong with you because you are not married."
She added: "There are people who will even tell you that it is because your faith is weak why God has not blessed you with a spouse, or that you are doing something wrong," she said.
Wilson said although she did not believe she needed a man to make her a complete being, she is still very much desirous of finding a life partner.
"I sometimes think the Church failed on its promises, because you expect that after you become a Christian, you would find a husband inside God's family," she lamented. "I am not saying that God has failed me, but that the church community often does not understand what we single women are going through."
Natasha Bishop, who worships at the New Haven Seventh-day Adventist Church (SDA) in St Andrew, agreed that the Church needed to cater more to its single members. "There is a need for more singles' programmes, such as retreats and socials, where unmarried people in the wider church community can come together and meet new people," she said.
Bishop, however, admitted in the same breath that there was not much the Church could do to help most single Christian women, as there were just not enough men in the Church for all of them.
"I remember one year we went to a singles' retreat for the entire Eastern conference (SDA), and only about 19 single men were there, with over 200 single women," Bishop said. "So you understand the kind of competition and struggle that exists inside the Church among single women," she added.
Reality of the situation
Bishop Everton Thomas of the Jamaica Pentecostal Union said although most churches have a singles' ministry department, which caters to the social and spiritual needs of unmarried Christians, the reality of the situation is that not everybody will get married.
"The numbers now as they exist do not provide a mate for everyone," he said.
He said in order to solve the problem, the Church has been working to attract more men, not just to provide husbands for women, but also to carry on God's work.
Bishop Thomas further said women needed to realise that because they were single, it did not mean that they were deficient or lacking in any way.
"Singleness is completeness. You don't have to be married to be happy," he said.
Thomas also argued that it was better to be single and happy, than to be married and miserable. "Many people who are single are often very bent on getting married, not realising that sometimes they may end up regretting that move."
Joye Keane, co-pastor of Church on the Rock, Montego Bay, suggested that some single Christian women needed to examine their priorities, in terms of their main reason for being in the Church.
"If it is Jesus we are coming for, come for Him, and then allow Him to add other things. But sometimes we come seeking after the other things, and then when it doesn't happen, we blame the Church, or we blame Jesus," Pastor Keane argued.
She advised that single women should first occupy themselves with the things of God - discipleship, prayer, and His word - and then He would satisfy their needs.
"I believe with all my heart that if more women were more focused on praying and pulling down the strongholds that are over our men, we would see more men coming into the Church," she said.
Name changed on request.
athaliah.reynolds@gleanerjm.com
Linton
I am looking forward to marriage and waiting for the right partner. Being single has its ups and downs. It is difficult to balance financially and otherwise. While, I am waiting, I am enjoying my single status.
Mel Cooke, Gleaner Writer
AT NINE p.m., 49-year-old Edithis still in her gym clothes when she meets The Sunday Gleaner at Devon House, St Andrew. Her knee-length tights show a bottom half that is sturdy; her black workout shirt reveals a trim-enough top with some abdominal fat, which bulges slightly, but does not hang.
Her hair is up in a ponytail and, when she smiles, she looks positively girlish.
Edith was practically a girl when she got involved with her future husband, who she married when she was 21 years old. After 15 years and a child together, they separated in 1995. She has not lived with anyone since, and with her last relationship with frequent visits ending in 2003, Edith describes herself as a single woman.
She is happy - sometimes. "I have my space, but at this stage, I need a friend to share things with and do things together," she tells The Sunday Gleaner.
She is lonely (her child does not live with her), but suppresses the feeling of isolation with the melody of music, the effort of gym work, and driving into a Corporate Area commercial district, parking her car and simply walking and window shopping.
Edith gets approached regularly, but she feels that younger men just want sex. While she loves sex and smiles at one point when she says she is not getting to do what she enjoys so much, it is not enough; sharing problems is a big part of the relationship. "But sometimes they don't really want to hear your problem," she says.
The qualities Edith is looking for in the life partner she hopes to find soon are respect, he must be caring and gentle, and he must be communicative (she says the last is key).
And he must be able to deal with what she calls "responsibilities". "I need support, financial support. Men should be protectors of women in all forms," she says. She is willing, though, to meet her man half-way financially, but she won't go any further. "It is going to be frustrating at my age to be with someone who cannot meet me half-way," she says.
Though fast approaching 50, Edith is caught between younger men who want a 'big woman' to support them and have a hot fling with, and older men looking for some eye candy to stave off the years.
"Men my age are looking for younger girls. Some roam and they really want to settle, but I still have the fear that they are going to want to go out, that they will want someone of child-bearing age. Some men want to start a second family, and if you are not able to give them a child, they go out," she tells us.
And she is clear that she is looking for love without terms and conditions.
While she has had partners since her 2003 break-up, Edith is not currently sexually active. She misses sex, but tries not to think about it. She says she has never masturbated or owned a sex toy and does not watch porn movies.
Edith's need for companionship is stronger now than when she was in her 20s. So is her sex drive, even though back then, Edith made love to her husband almost every day.
These days, though, she tells The Sunday Gleaner, "Sometimes I pray for it." At others, she says, "I wonder if it (her sex drive) is going, because I don't feel for it like one time. And I say I'm not enjoying this thing I love so much."
