DEAR Counsellor

Q: My husband has recently returned from overseas after being away for a few years. However, our seven-year-old son is not adjusting to his presence and yearns for the relationship to be between mother and son alone. What should I do?

A: It appears that your son might be a bit jealous of your husband - his father. Obviously, he believes you are spending too much time with your husband and conversely not enough with him. Your son yearns for the days when all of your attention and focus was on him. This is not unusual. A similar scenario sometimes occurs when a new baby arrives and the older child feels neglected. The older child will throw tantrums and resent the new arrival in the family.

I would suggest, therefore, that you examine your behaviour and determine whether with the arrival of your husband, you have been unconsciously and unnecessarily neglecting your son. You need to assess whether you are still spending quality time with him. Equally important is family time. You and your husband need to ensure that you all do things together including eating together, watching TV together, playing games together and going out together whether to shop, worship or for recreation.

Resentment

Furthermore, you may need to ascertain whether your son has some resentment of his father because somehow he might feel that his father had abandoned him while he was overseas for the few years. He needs to understand why his father was away and how he contributed to the family when he was not present. You need to talk with him, his father needs to talk with him and both of you need to talk through his issues. He should be told truthfully and objectively what were the pros and cons of his father being away for a period of his development.

It is also important that you deliberately give space for there to be bonding between father and son. Allow them to be at home by themselves to create friendship and understanding. Also allow them to go out by themselves and do father-son things. It would be good for them to engage in physical sports together. These activities should strengthen the relationship and lessen your son's resentment towards his father.

This child's reaction should be a reminder to all parents that the most important years in a child's development are six years and under. This is the time when values and attitudes are greatly determined. We have in Jamaica the phenomenon of 'barrel children', that is, parents sending many gifts to their children from foreign while what the child equally needs is the presence of parents. Both parents are needed for emotional stability for the child's wholesome development.

Regular contact

Unfortunately, there are times when fathers are away for extended periods due to service in the armed services or to be engaged in educational pursuits. In addition, a father might be a farm worker or hotel worker and goes overseas in order to provide the necessities of life for his family. Perhaps it would be helpful to have a father figure such as a grandfather or uncle within the family to play such a role. Additionally, when a parent is away for an extended period, it is important to be in regular contact using the available technology such as telephone, text messaging and the Internet.

If having done all these things and the child is still resentful of the father after say a three-month period, then it is time to take him to a counsellor or a child psychologist.

All the best in your parenting, and I hope your husband will not be away from the family again for any extended period.