Sharon Williams-Bennett, Contributor

Janet stared at the pile of dirty clothes and tried not to concentrate on the intense pain in her belly. No food had touched her mouth since yesterday - the last piece of bread she had given to her children with some mint tea. It wasn't much, but at least it put something in their bellies until lunchtime at school. The little day's work she was doing would put some food on the table.

The lady had told her that she didn't provide lunch, she should bring her own. The lady had been specific - she was not allowed inside the house - she had put the soap and washing tub outside and had locked her door before leaving to go on the road. She said that by the time she got back the work should be done and she would get paid.

She wished she could tell the lady to keep her work and just leave. But she couldn't. She had to do whatever it took to feed her children and keep them comfortable. God will provide.

How did she get to this place? She remembered having so many plans for her life. Even when she got pregnant at 16 and dropped out of high school, she was determined to succeed in life - to finally make her mother proud. She was determined not to end up like her mother - eight children with six different men and none of them there for her. She had to do better than that. She was going to rise out of the poverty. She was very intelligent. Her teachers had told her mother that she would go far, she had potential.

She never took into account that having sex for the first time could get you pregnant. She never took into account that her mother would run her out of the house, telling her how 'wutliss' she was and she wasn't going to 'mind no grandpickney'. She never took into account that she would have had to go and live with Leroy - whose only ambition was to drive a taxi for his cousin and smoke weed. He had no intention of living somewhere other than the tenement yard where his mother and sisters lived.

He had sweet-talked her into having sex with him, carrying her for free to and from school and buying KFC for her. Her mother had cursed her bitterly and told her that she had 'mek man ketch her with her belly'. That had hurt, mainly because it was partly true and because it was at that moment she had needed her mother so much. She had never known love. Her mother had been so miserable, cursing men every day and blaming the government for her situation.

History was now close to repeating itself. She was only 25 years old and had four children. She hadn't seen Leroy in months. He had disappeared and left her to fend for herself and his children. She had planned on going back to school to do her CXCs and even get a cashier job, but she hadn't a clue on how she was going to manage that. The children were growing so fast. She could hardly keep up with them when it came to clothes.

A Salvation Army lady had given her some second-hand clothes for the two girls and she had bought some cheap clothes downtown for the boys. For herself, she was still wearing clothes from five years ago, but that really didn't matter to her - as long as they were clean and her children were not hungry. She knew she looked far older than her years, but that was what life did to her. It was determined to beat her up and throw her down, but she was not going to allow that - she had her children to think about.

Somehow she found the strength to finish washing the clothes and pinning them on the line. The lady had told her that although she had a washing machine, she didn't allow helpers to come into her house and use her appliances. She then went on to say that the good had to suffer for the bad, because she had treated a helper she had had very well and that girl had stolen form her. She didn't want anybody else inside her house.

The hunger pain had now turned to severe cramps and she knew that 'gas' had taken her up. Even a cup of tea would help her out. She finished washing the clothes by one o'clock and it was not before three o'clock that the lady came home. Janet was almost faint with hunger by then and she realised that she had to hurry home to look after something for her children to eat. She couldn't do any better, she had to ask the lady for a cup of tea or she wouldn't make it home. After murmuring and complaining for a full minute, she grudgingly heated some water and put some mint in a plastic cup with a little sugar and gave it to her with her day's pay. "You can throw the cup in the garbage by the gate when you leave," she was told before the lady closed the door.

Her children were waiting for her when she got home. She had stopped at the corner shop and bought a few items with the money, careful to tuck a few dollars away in her bosom. She had another day's work to do tomorrow but she wanted to save some money and go into a 'pardner' with Ms Cynthia up the road.

Tomorrow when she finished the day's work she was planning on going around the neighbourhood and asking if anybody needed a helper or a day's worker - she needed something steady.

The loud pounding on the rough wooden door startled her for an instant, even though she lived in a relatively safe area in the ghetto she still got a little frightened. After all, she had no man to defend her - it was just her and her children.

"Janet hoy!" It was Leroy's mother and even though they lived in the same yard, Janet tried to avoid Leroy's family as best she could. She knew they didn't like her. They never volunteered to help her with the children. She opened the door, slowly. "Yes Ms Mack?" the woman stood outside, arms akimbo.

"The pickney dem gone to bed?" she was straining her neck to see inside the little room. Janet stepped outside and closed the door behind her. "Yes, and I was just about to bed too, mi feel tired."

"So early? Is not even seven yet." Ms Mack was making herself comfortable, seating herself on the piece of rock beside the mango tree. "You hear anything from de bwoy Leroy?"

"No Ms Mack," Janet said with forced politeness. Even though she couldn't stand the woman, she couldn't afford to alienate her, because she didn't have anywhere else to go.

"You go work today?"

"Yes, me go do a likkle day's work," Janet said reluctantly, because she knew what was coming next. The woman was all about money.

"Leroy used to give me a likkle pittance fi de place and now that him gone - me a wonda if you coulda pay me a likkle something. Me wouldn't ask you, but me nah work and me haffi buy food fi eat."

Janet wanted to tell her where to get the money, but she knew she had to bite her tongue. She had to think about her children and she was determined to do her best to bring them up well. "Ms Mack as soon as me get a steady job me will pay you something for the place, but for right now - me kinda struggling with me and the four children and you know that Leroy gone and left me with them."

"Me nuh know how you so careless. Yuh lie dung and mek man breed yuh four time and know sey de man nuh good. Missis, pickney nah wear again! Ah time yuh wake up an stop mek man tun yuh inna poppyshow - times too hard. Anyway, me ah go over yard, but as soon as yuh get something yuh affi start pay some rent. You caan expect fi live free - ah my pension this."

Without waiting for a response, she got up and walked away. Janet stood still outside - she didn't cry - she wanted to, but she had done so much crying over the last few years that maybe she was all cried out. Sometimes she wondered if God had forgotten about her. Maybe he had turned his back on her. She knew she didn't deserve help from him - she had messed up her own life - but she really needed someone in her life right now.

She hadn't spoken to her mother in years and although her brothers and sisters came to see her a few times, she could tell that they were all busy with their own lives and didn't really want to stay in touch with her. She was the eldest - she was supposed to set an example. She had never believed in history repeating itself - she had always believed that you had the power to form your own destiny. She had failed her mother, brothers and sisters, she couldn't afford to fail her children.

It was while she was coming home from work the next day that she saw them erecting the tent and something made her stop. It was then that a lady came up to her with a flyer. "We having a two-week crusade right here - you think you can come?" she asked. Janet saw something on her face that day - it was as if a light had been turned on inside her and shone right through her face. The woman looked so calm and peaceful that Janet envied her. "Me have four small children," Janet said regretfully. She had the urge to attend. "No problem my dear, bring them with you - we will be more than happy to help you with them. I will even take you back home after the service. So when can you come so that I can look out for you?"

"I can make it Friday night," Janet said with sudden determination.

"I will be right outside looking for you." The woman pressed the flyer in her hand. "By the way, my name is Joyce and never forget that it doesn't matter what your circumstances may be, God is the waymaker."

"Thank you," Janet said, a lump forming inside her throat. "My name is Janet."

"See you Friday night Janet, and I will be praying for you," Joyce told her kindly, compassion written all over her face. Even after Joyce had left, Janet still stood there. It was as if she had found a relief from the suffering and tribulations in her life, as if a voice was saying that it was going to be all right now. She felt light and free - she had never felt that way before.

Friday night couldn't come fast enough for her. She dressed the children in the best clothes she could find and got them ready. The next day was Saturday so they could afford to stay out late - her excitement must have rubbed off on them because they couldn't keep still.

Joyce was outside waiting for her, and although Janet felt self-conscious in her threadbare jeans skirt and washed out blue blouse, she suddenly didn't care - she had a purpose in life and this was it. Joyce took her and the children all the way up front of the already packed tent. The service was just about to start with several young people on the makeshift podium singing songs of praise. After that, there were testimonies from people unashamedly talking about how God had delivered them from situations they never thought they could get out of. The pastor came up shortly after and the theme of the sermon was: 'God is a way out when there is no way out.'

It was as if the pastor was talking to her personally - he kept saying that someone had come for deliverance tonight - someone in a tough situation and need a way out, but he was there to tell that someone that God is the way out - the only way out! Janet stood up - she couldn't help herself - it was as if a giant hand had lifted her up out of her seat. She didn't even remember that the children were beside her. It was as if everyone else in the tent had disappeared and it was just her and the pastor.

It was as if a burden had been lifted from her tired, weary body and she had somehow found rest - she had found someone to share her problems with - she was no longer alone - God was holding her hand and leading her to the altar - she had finally found a place where she belonged. She gave her heart and life over to God that very night and felt the excitement of salvation racing through her body.

Janet was so happy - she had never known love like this before - she never thought it possible that with all her shortcomings, with all the things she had done wrong in her life that God still loved her - but he did and he said so in his Words - she couldn't get enough of reading His words.

Before she knew it He started providing for her - she got a steady job through Miss Joyce, who not only became her prayer partner but also her friend. She started going back to evening classes and she was at peace with herself and with the world. She went to look for her mother and made peace with her, she was also getting ready to move out of Leroy's mother's place - Ms Joyce had found a small two bedroom house for her - the struggle was still there but she intended to take it one day at a time and with God by her side - she can do everything! She has never forgotten what the pastor said that fateful night: God is the way out when there is no way out!