Eulalee Thompson
Forgiveness is really an act of enlightened self-interest. Reframe the experience. It's not about making the offending party feel good and you can strip the act of any moral or religious attachments; it's about protecting your health.
Anger, resentment, bitterness, malice and living in a state of unforgiveness is just hard work, consuming vital energy that could be better spent loving yourself. As more Western researchers embrace the intricate link between feelings and body chemistry, more studies in academic journals are exploring concrete relationships between living in a state of unforgiveness and physical health.
These studies point to unforgiving individuals compromising their immune system making the body more vulnerable to infections and ill-health. They have more aches and pains; elevated blood pressure; muscle tension (the feeling of 'uptightness' that interferes with the free flow of blood to joint and vital organs like the heart); digestive impairment; breathing pattern changes; sleep disturbance and so on.
Putting the body in a constant state of stress is to be in an ongoing fight-or-flight mode. Bad feelings trigger changes in the chemistry and electrical patterning in the brain; further triggering physiological changes.
Mental health
Researchers are also finding that clients who are more accepting of forgiveness as a coping mechanism during counselling and therapy sessions are more likely to have better outcomes. Perhaps, it's because living in a state of forgiveness is really surrendering control to the offender; the offended continues to be psychologically tied to offender, mentally replaying the hurtful event over and over again, entrenching the negative emotions attached to the hurtful event and triggering mental and physical ill-health. Forgiveness allows the offended party to take back control of his or her life and to release the emotional strangle-hold attachment to the offender and the hurtful event.
The act of forgiveness is, therefore, a choice, a decision taken by the offended party to release him or herself from the negative feelings associated with the offender and hurtful event. This choice can occur independently of the offender; the offender doesn't have to admit to wrongdoing or apologise.
It's not reconciliation
Some people find the 'forgiveness pill' a hard one to swallow because they think that they will open up themselves to more hurt. However, forgiveness should not be confused with 'trust'; that is a different process and even the concept of trust integrates a cognitive component that should guard against repeated hurt.
Forgiveness is also not reconciliation; as stated earlier, it occurs independently of the offender. Reconciliation would involve the offender, acknowledgement of wrongdoing, remorse and efforts to make amends. Forgiveness is also not about forgetting the hurtful event and tossing aside the negative emotions attached to the event.
Try it and drop me a line.
Process it, release it, move on. Just be well.
eulalee.thompson@gleanerjm.com
The act of forgiveness is, therefore, a choice, a decision taken by the offended party to release him or herself from the negative feelings associated with the offender and hurtful event.
Making the first step:
Start working on yourself. Decide that you want to take the route of forgiveness.
Validate your feelings. The offender and the hurtful event triggered many negative emotions; these are your feelings, you have a right to them. You may want to journal these events and feelings.
Search for your core belief systems. Identify and explore the kinds of beliefs you have about men, women, people, the world, and so on, that made you attach these negative feelings, behaviours and reactions to this event.
Review your core beliefs. You may have to change some of them.
Take back control of your health, your life and your feelings. Journal your desire to forgive your offender. You may also write a letter and keep it, mail it to the offender or just tear it up.
If all else fails, seek professional counselling.
