Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I was abused when I was a child by a relative that was close to my family. After that I became promiscuous up to my early 20s. I am now married and my husband knows all about my past and is working to try and live with it.

The problem is that I told him in bits and pieces about the various problems I have had. I advised him prior to our wedding ceremony that he did not have to accept my life or marry me if he figured he could not deal with my issues. However, the problem is that he had already fallen in love with the earliest impressions of me and is now having difficulty dealing with the issues.

It is affecting our marriage in that he no longer gives me the extra frills. He just does his part. This hurts me very much and, while he says he is working on it and that it will take him some time to reconcile, I am worried that it will never change.

What is your advice?

- K

Dear K:

For many persons promiscuity is the spin-off from sexual abuse. The individual feels that she is of no value based on what has happened. The line of thinking is, "If I was of any value this would not have happened to me". As such the victim rejects self and engages in promiscuity. Many become suicidal, often cutting themselves, preferring to endure the physical pain rather than the deep-seated emotional pain. Others have a difficulty trusting people, especially men, and as such are not able to maintain a stable male-female relationship.

The fact that your husband is not able to deal with your past must be painful for you. During courtship he might have thought that he loved you enough and was matured enough to handle it. He may be realising now that he cannot handle it. This is not good for both of you as the longer the situation remains like this, the worse it will get. I would advice that you both see a counsellor before it is too late.

Abide by rules under parents' roof

Dear Counsellor:

I am 20 years old and I am still living with my parents. The problem is that whenever my friends are keeping a party and I ask my mother if I could attend it she always says no. I hate where I am at this part of my life, but from I was growing up the only place that my mother wants me to go was church, and she disagree of me having a boyfriend.

I do not know that to do, I am not working at this time and my sister is in the entertainment business out here and she never tries to help me get a work. I am just a depressed person tired of looking now. All I do is stay home and sleep. At the moment I am waiting for the army to call me to come and do the test there to go in. Thanks for your time.

- Karlene (Name changed)

Dear Karlene:

You are young and at this stage in your life you would like to be able to 'live it up'. However, you are living at home which means that your mother is supporting you. I may sound old-fashioned, but I believe if you are living under your parents' roof you abide by their rules until you become independent enough to do all you want to do.

Parents may seem to be prison wardens, but they are looking out for what is best for you. When you become 'one of them' and those maternal instincts kick in, you may be more protective than your parents.

While you are waiting on a call from the army you could sign up for the National Youth Service or do some volunteer work in your community. Activity breeds activity. Someone may take note of the work you are doing and a job may come from it.

Write to Ivret Williams, a counselling psychiatrist: letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com