Dear Counsellor:

How do you walk away from a relationship? I was in a relationship recently and I was forced to end it because the guy was abusive. I do not understand why I still pine for him. Is there something wrong with me? He has said that he wants us to get back together and there are times when I feel that I want to but my family and friends are saying that I should not. The thing about it is he is acting so nice.

- Norma

Dear Norma:

Do you think he has really changed? It does not matter how 'nice' he may be at this time, if he has not had any counselling then the possibility is that he will resort to his past behaviour. Old habits die hard. If you should meet a past girlfriend of his you may learn that he had abused her. You say that your friends and family are against it and I find that others may easier see the abnormalities in a relationship quicker than the person who is intimately involved.

How do you walk away? This is easier said than done, especially if you really cared for the person. However, there should be no human who you care about more than yourself. Think about the best that you would want for yourself and see if this relationship was in any way hindering that.

Every abusive act, whether physical, emotional or verbal, affects you in one way or another; it takes away a piece of you. And the longer you stay in the relationship the harder it becomes to leave. This is why many battered women remain in relationships, because they do not have the strength to leave.

Are you longing for the relationship because you are feeling lonely? Society sees a single person as abnormal. Everywhere you look you see a couple. As such, there is the feeling that there is abnormality in being single. As such, persons will enter and remain in relationships that are destroying the very fibre of their beings. The decision to reenter that relationship is strictly yours but if you choose to reconsider his request ensure that counselling becomes a part of the package.

Dear Counsellor:

I have never had a good relationship with my father. This is due to the fact that he does not treat my mother with respect. I will even get angry with my mother for putting up with it. He has even gone outside of the marriage and got a girl pregnant. He wanted to bring the child home and this was one time when I saw my mother put her feet down and said, "no way." Recently, I was talking to a friend and she was saying that my relationship with a man could be affected by my relationship with my father. Is there any truth to this?

- Keisha

Dear Keisha:

Unfortunately, this is true. Your father is the first socialising image you have had as it relates to a man. Based on his performance you are not impressed. This is the image you will carry around with you and you will continually remind yourself that this is how men behave. Ultimately, this can determine the way you respond to them. Added to that you are angry and this anger can be projected onto any male of the species. So one commits the crime and all men, everywhere, have to pay.