Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

Two years ago, I ended a relationship. I must admit that there were times when I was happy, but at other times I was not.

I would do things for him, but he would make excuses as to why he could not do things for me. It seemed to me that his business was always more important than our relationship. He would borrow money and would not repay on time or at all.

There were many times when I felt like ending the relationship but he would talk me out of it. To end it, I went away. I have returned and he wants us to pick up where we left off. He says he is still in love with me, and when I pointed out the things he used to do that bothered me, he insists that he has got older and wiser.

Two of my friends are encouraging me to give him a second chance, but I don't know. What do you think?

- Anita

Dear Anita:

The fact that you say you do not know whether or not to renew the relationship could indicate that you may be giving it some thought. I am not here to tell you what to do, but you need to be in a relationship that esteems you.

You should not be in a relationship - intimate or platonic - which makes you feel worse about yourself. There are some relationships in which one individual will go the extra mile and the other person will not. One will give continually and the other will take whatever is given. This is not healthy.

H. Norman Wright, in his book Relationships That Work And Those That Don't, says that a relationship is made up of two individuals contributing unique gifts and strengths. He says that each person contributes to the other, and if the giving is one-sided, it won't work.

Your boyfriend says he has changed. Change is not spontaneous nor is it automatic. Change is a deliberate act resulting from conscious thought. If he says he has changed, he needs to let you know how he has changed change could be considered subjective, it is measurable.

A fresh start

If he has changed, I do hope he would not like you both to pick up where you left off. Amusingly, I would ask the question, does he want to pick up where the relationship ended with his borrowing money and not paying back, or where the relationship was not very important in his eyes?

I hate to be blunt but could it be that he wants to renew the relationship because the fringe benefits he received from you he never received from another? I must admit that persons can change, but you cannot rush blindly into the night on the promise that he has changed.

And while I am at it, why do you want to re-enter this relationship? How will it benefit you? Could this relationship help you to grow and become a better person? What does he have to offer that you could not get from someone else? And this question goes beyond material benefits.

Although your friends may be encouraging you to give him a second chance, please bear in mind that it is your life and you need to call the shots.

If you're jumping in again, you must be aware that the dynamicshave changed. You are both two years older, you have been exposed to other things. Also, your needs might have changed and this can impact how you both relate.

Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.