Melville Cooke

Mel Cooke, Freelance Writer

Welcome, non-voters all, as well as observers, to the first meeting of the JNLP (Just Not Loving Politics) organisation. Every Thursday we will find something more interesting to engage our minds than polls and accusations and counter-accusations, and for sure it will be more relevant to our lives than grand proclamations of plans that did not exist before elections were imminent and will disappear after they are over.

Enough a dem deh.

I remember the first time I saw a Jamaican $100 bill. It was at home in St. Thomas and an 'uncle' was visiting from the United States. 'Twas time to depart and the traditional leaving of a 'ting' for the children was taking place. I saw some crisp, green-edged notes in his hand and assumed that I was about to clutch a dead president or two. It turned out to be, of course a $100 bill and no, I was not disappointed.

Whe har sista deh?

I do not know when the $100 became a 'bills', as it is commonly referred to (it has been more recently referred to as a 'dollar', no doubt as its purchasing power falls). Of course, the $500 note is known as a 'Nanny' and I am reminded of a story about a motorist's encounter with a traffic policeman. The driver was in breach of the law and the policeman, operating his private branch of the Inland Revenue Department, collected a $500. He was not, however, satisfied with the payment and demanded, "whe har sista deh?".

If he had been offered a 'bills' he would probably have asked "whe im bredda an cousin and res a fambly dem deh?"

It was not the police, though, but the bakers who made me consider the current value of a 'bills'. It was a story in Tuesday's Gleaner about the rise in the price of baked products. At the end it said "a chicken patty, which was $65, now costs $75; while a cheese patty costs $80, up from $65".

And I thought that the $100 barrier was being tested. Of course, a mere 'patty', which is beef, costs less, but with these soy and shrimp and other varieties about, there are those who have a beef with beef. With the rise in prices they may find that their tastes are suddenly much less exotic.

So what else can $100 buy that has some real immediate or lasting value (hence lottery tickets do not count)? Not that much, but for starters it can buy a pack of condoms (depending on the brand, of course. There are some ladies who will demand 'den a dat yu a use pon me?' if they spot the poor wanna-be lover about to take the wrapper off the 'cheapers'. It is difficult to have a hard-on and be hard-up) and considering that the little tube can be the difference between the wailing of an unwanted baby or the wailing at an AIDS-related funeral, the value goes way beyond $100.

It can also buy a litre of gas, and before you get to gasping and guffawing, that litre can make the difference between getting home or not. If the light shows orange and all you can find is a 'bills', you will be darned happy to pull up to the pump and ask for the squirt of the red juice. Ironically, inside the supermarket section of the gas stations, a Malta or Lucozade costs more than a litre of 90 octane.

Go figure.

A bills can also cover the cost of a couple black CDs and, if you have access to the relevant persons, that can mean a movie. Hey, it's piracy, but we do celebrate Henry Morgan, the original official criminal, roun' ere.

But as far as covering a supermarket, gas station, car repair, health care or other such bill, there is not much that $100 can do, which makes me wonder why continue to call it a 'bills'. Maybe we should rename it the 'mek up'.