Heather Little-White, Ph.D.Contributor

One of the deepest longings of our heart is the longing for true intimacy. Yet all too often we settle for something less, not because we don't want the real thing, but because the risk is simply too great. But true intimacy does exist. It starts by being honest with God, and it continues in our relationships with others when we are honest with them.

Intimacy includes sex, hooking up, kissing, massaging and caressing. Apart from the expertise between the sheets, intimacy at a higher level, means experiencing personal growth through sexual expression with only one lover in a monogamous relationship. Some persons have been hurt in past relationships and are reluctant to enter monogamous relationships to find true intimacy.

Even when there is interaction with persons of opposite gender at work and in social settings, there will be no interest to cheat because of the emotional and sexual commitment to a special person. "It is something that you feel but it is hard to explain," according to Jhennettewho is intimate with her spouse for 10 years.

Fear of love

Marshall Hodge in his book, Your Fear of Love, says, "We long for moments of expressions of love, closeness and tenderness, but frequently, at the critical point, we often draw back. We are afraid of closeness." One way to assess if you are experiencing true intimacy is to determine your intimate sexual story. Ask yourself some questions and be truthful in your answers.

1. How often do you like to have sex?

Answers may range from never, once in a blue moon to can't get enough.

2. Do you like to experiment with new positions?

Answers many range from missionary position always, trying a few if your partner makes you, to trying any new position.

3. Do you like to mix sex toys into your intimate experiences?

Answers may range from never, a few occasions to always wanting your sex toys.

4. Do you enjoy watching "blue movies" with your partner?

Answers may range from it is not my thing, for special occasions, to the tape is always playing.

5. Do you discuss and act out sexual fantasies?

Answers may range from that's not our thing, here and there, to all the time.

6. If your partner is away, would you engage in phone sex?

Answers may range from not at all, now and then to all the time.

Saving energy

True intimacy comes with a monogamous relationships providing stability, emotional security while saving energy by not having to play different roles without being caught. It also provides the catalyst to experiment between the sheets to keep the intimate moments exciting it was exciting to be with one person for a weekend at a resort and to go dancing with someone else the next weekend, intimate satisfaction comes from the contentment in sharing with each other.

Each person should strive for a relationship of sexual exclusivity. With creative intimate expressions one can still find sexual variety in one single lover. Monogyny is considered a lifeline that can provide a feeling of stability as well as the courage to face the future with greater confidence. The greatest reward of monogamy is the quality of intimacy.

While monogamy does not always guarantee intimacy, it provides the framework within which a couple can relate intimately. Persons who have been hurt in intimate love were often rejected when they bare their souls to the person to whom they felt committed. Multiple relationships are likely to cause too many rejections resulting in a permanent handicap, to experience true intimacy.

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