Wendel Abel

Why do women stay? - Why do menabuse?

Jane was murdered one Saturday by her husband. She never had the opportunity to tell her story. She had left him several times but kept going back. She had very little support and was worried about her children.

"We were Christians. I suffered abuse for years. He humiliated me, he blamed me for everything and used religion to control me. He demanded my pay every month and dictated how I spent my money. It was horrible. I wanted to leave. I had very little support from the church. No one believed my suffering,'' Jane said to a friend shortly before her death.

Domestic violence is a complex process in which a family member, a partner or an ex-partner dominates another using physical or psychological means. It affects one in four women and one in six men, and accounts for 16 per cent of all violent crimes. It occurs in all societies and affects persons of all ages, sex, race, sexual orientation, social status and religion.

Forms of domestic violence

"I was beaten, chopped, embarrassed in public. Too ashamed to tell anyone, I endured it. My mother lived through this and it was now happening to me. He was an alcoholic. One day, my six-year-old said to me, 'Mommy I am not happy, he is going to kill you', then I realised that I had to leave," said one abused woman.

Domestic violence may take the form of physical, sexual, emotional, economic or spiritual abuse and may involve constant threats and intimidation.

Why do men abuse women?

The man may feel powerless or inferior due to educational, financial or social reasons. The violence is used to exercise power and control over the woman. The behaviour becomes habitual and a vicious cycle of abuse and making up is set up.

Signs of domestic violence

"I am a teacher. For the first two years of the relationship things went well. Then, he started to criticise my friends and complained that I chatted with too many women. He found fault with all my family and relatives. I became isolatedin the marriage and the physical abuse started," said an abused woman.

Most relationships do not start out being violent. The early signs are sometimes subtle. Here are some of them:

Partner gets angry easily and blames you for everything that goes wrong.

Constant criticisms and insults.

Controlling how you dress, who you speak to and the activities you engage in.

Partner attributes his behaviour to jealousy.

Isolation through controlling phone calls and destroying your relationship with family and friends.

Why do women stay?

Fear: Many women remain in these relationships out of fear for their lives.

The cycle of forgiveness: After the abuse, the man may ask for forgiveness and the woman thinks he is genuine and she remains hopful that one day he will change and the cycle continues.

Economics: Women who are dependent economically sometimes find it difficult to leave. It is hard to start when you have nothing to start with.

Children: Many women fear the impact the disruption on the children. Note, however, that living in an abusive home can be more painful for children.

Religion: Many women remain because of their religious beliefs. They do not believe in divorce and they are encouraged by the Church to remain in these situations and resolve the differences.

Learned helplessness: After a while the spirit is so broken that one cannot identify options and resigns oneself to the abuse.

Do not suffer in silence, take action

"The body mends soon enough, only the scar remains. But the wounds inflicted upon the soul take much longer to heal. And each time I relive these moments, they start bleeding all over again. The broken spirit has taken the longest to mend ..." (WHO)

Discuss your experience with someone you can trust.

Report the matter to the police

Take legal action. Consult a lawyer or The Legal Aid Clinic.

Get out of that abusive relationship. Make plans to move out, you may have to staywith friends or families.

If he wants you to stay, demand that he seeks treatment.

Services are available through the Family Court and The Women's Crisis Centre in your parish.

Get professional counselling: the broken spirit and the emotional scars take a long time to heal and you may need help. Professional counselling helps you to explore your options.

Call the Bureau for Women's Affairs for further information.