Wendel Abel
DO YOU have problems controlling your emotions? Are you always having difficulties with your spouse? Do your friends have problems with your rage?
WHY CONTROL ANGER?
If not properly managed anger may lead to conflict and tension between friends, intimate partners and co-workers. Try the BRAVE technique:
B - Beware of your feeling;
R - relax;
A - affirm;
V - validate other's feelings;
E - express your emotions using "I Messages".
Beware of your feelings. Get connected with your feelings. Many persons who have problems with anger management do not have enough feeling words in their vocabulary. Develop a feeling vocabulary. Develop words such as angry, annoyed, disappointment, displeasure, happy, sad, disconcerted.
Learn to relax. Practice deep breathing exercise. Take some time out every day, in a quiet place and breathe in gently through your nostrils and out through your mouth. As you do this, all the muscles in your body relax. Repeat this step several times over until it becomes automatic.
Affirm your right to your feelings. You have a right to all your feelings and you have every right to express these feelings. You also do not owe anyone an explanation to your feelings.
Learn to validate others feelings. Whenever someone expresses his or her feelings. Use expressions such as: "You appear angry and upset." "That must be very distressing for you." "I can understand that, that must be very difficult for you."
Practice to express your emotions using ' I Messages'.
Examples of 'I Messages'are:
1) Your friend did not call you on your birthday and you are feeling very angry.
" I feel angry because you forgot to call, I would prefer if you had told me you were busy.
2) Your boss shouted at you and you feel disappointed.
" I felt embarrassed and humiliated when you shouted at me, I would have preferred if you had called me into your office and spoken to me softly"
3) A friend owes you money and does not remember to repay.
" I feel very disappointed that you have not repaid me. I would prefer if you had called to say something."
4) Your friend is always expecting you to pay the bill.
" I feel very disconcerted at the restaurant when I was expected to pay the bill. I would have preferred If you had discussed that with me before."
AVOID 'YOU MESSAGES':
Examples of 'you messages' are.
You did not call me on my birthday. You are very worthless.
You shouted at me. You should not have done that.
You have not repaid me. You are so unreliable.
'You messages' humiliate and put down and they make others become very defensive.
EXPRESS ANGER
People who are not able to express anger very often suppress their feelings and by so doing turn anger in on themselves. This may lead to migraine headaches, stomach ulcers, muscle pain, sleeping problems, anxiety and depression.
When we suppress our anger, we tend to put down others, we may become cynical, critical, hostile and aggressive. Some persons withdraw and refuse to communicate with others.
IDENTIFY THE TRIGGERS
Learn to identify the things that trigger your anger. Are they persons, things or situations? Having identified these triggers, avoid them when you can or learn to change your attitude toward them.
RECOGNISE YOUR MENTAL STATE
Anger worsens when we are hungry, in pain, stressed out, frustrated or taking drugs. Identify the states that make your anger worse.
IDENTIFY WARNING SIGNS
For example, Talking louder, clenching of fists, using curse words, sweating. Learn to pick up these signals and control them. This will prevent the anger from getting out of control.
Are you interested in participating in anger management training? Call 922-3216.
Dr. Wendel Abel is a consultant psychiatrist and senior lecturer, University of the West Indies. Email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
