Tony Hendriks – Jamaican Paleface THE MAYOR of Kingston was in London the other day for a ceremony to twin the two cities. It took place at City Hall on the south bank of the Thames overlooking Tower Bridge, just across from the Tower of London.
I reckon if Ken Livingston, Mayor of London, visits Jamaica we should hold a ceremony at an equally romantic location like Port Royal, on the south bank of Kingston Harbour, overlooking the Causeway Bridge just across from Fort Augusta. You can't get more mutual respect than that.
Actually London is starting to feel like home. I'm stopping in Herne Hill, which is next to Brixton, so I don't feel too far from Jamaica. I'm close enough to hear the gunshots but just out of range. When police helicopters hover overhead at night it reminds me of the curfews in Kingston after Hurricane Gilbert and the distant thump of a sound system lulls me to sleep.
Every day England becomes a bit more like the Wild, Wild West Indies. Last week there was a shooting reminiscent of Willy Haggart's ambush only in a little English village. Third World Cop meets The Vicar of Dibley. The police said the victim had a record as long as his arm but unfortunately his arm was riddled with bullets so it sounded like a "no angels" defence even though it wasn't the police who did the killing. Well, not in that case anyway.
'UNLAWFUL KILLING'
The English police don't do drive-bys they do sit-ons. A jury just found that a young black man who the police sat on, squashed until he stopped breathing and went into a coma, and died, was a victim of "unlawful killing". Astonishing! Thankfully justice was swift. It may have taken four years to get to court but the jury only took 45 minutes to return a guilty verdict. But why would the police do something like that? Are lawful killings a lot less fun? It's all kicked off in England.
In the last week we've seen two armed robberies, three murders, one footballer shot at a nightclub, four footballers allegedly raped a 17-year-old girl and one man trying to shoot himself on national TV. Actually it was a magician playing Russian roulette. Unfortunately the trick backfired and he survived.
But Channel 4 is a great TV station. Not only can artists try shoot themselves they even allowed one to do a live autopsy on air. Seriously! People talk about too much blood and guts on TV but that was cutting edge.
Talking about cameras, speed traps are the biggest culture shock you'll find in the UK. Just as you find a nice stretch of road to "puddung de gas": Flash! Flash! Flash! The first time it happened to me I thought a bunch of Japanese tourists were taking my photograph so I turned, smiled and waved but my image was simply caught in the act of speeding. The trouble with digital technology is it has no compassion. Bad things come in threes. It could be three in the morning, you still get flashed, and three weeks later you get a ticket and three points on your licence.
MORE FUN IN JAMAICA
However, the facade of British fairplay still rears its head when even speed traps have manners. Signs warn you that you are approaching cameras and a foam of white measurements sit on the road ahead to gauge your speed. It's a lot more fun in Jamaica where our constabulary jump out of trees like bandits, and hide behind billboards like in movies. It's more of a challenge to sneak through a yard-style cop stop that way and outsmart Babylon. If you succeed you can turn, smile and wave as you pass.
But who wants to smile and wave at a camera? You can't reason with digital technology.
Whereas I doubt that in over 40 years of independence anyone has ever been convicted of bribing a policeman over a traffic offence. Now that's emancipation.
They've brought back hanging in England. Just across the Thames from the Tower of London, in front of Tower Bridge where we started this article, a man is hanging. In a large Perspex box. It's David Blaine, the street magician. They haven't burned witches for centuries in England but hanging this wizard is a great idea. Very entertaining. Even though he's supposed to be fasting, if he's worth his salt and vinegar surely he can conjure up some fish and chips without anyone seeing his sleight of hand. We should do something similar in Kingston. Like they did to Jack Rackham on his Cay. Now, who would we all like to see hanging in a large see-through box at the entrance to Port Royal?
Tony Hendriks is a comedian.
