By Leahcim Semaj, Ph.D.
- Change Agent, ContributorOUR MURDER statistics tell the sad tale of the kind of people we have become.
Our music has become angrier and some talk shows pride themselves on their ability to stimulate this destructive emotion. It appears that it now requires less and less provocation to transform a dispute into a murder scene.
It does not have to be this way. We should, and can, make choices as to the kind of people we want to be. The only problem is, no one can decide for you. Each person has to make that choice.
WHAT IS ANGER?
The American Psychological Association publishes a useful brochure on the subject. Anger is an emotional state that ranges in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes. When you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.
Anger can be caused by external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person or event, or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings.
EXPRESSING ANGER
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats. It inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviour which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary for our survival.
On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us. Laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
THREE OPTIONS
People use a variety of conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming.
Expressing angry feelings: This is the healthiest way to express anger in an assertive not aggressive manner. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding, it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can also be suppressed: It can then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behaviour. The danger in this type of response is that if outward expression isn't allowed, your anger can turn inward on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behaviour (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticising everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
You can also calm down inside: This means not just controlling your outward behaviour, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
When none of these three techniques work, that's when someone -- or something -- is going to get hurt, and then the regrets begin to kick in.
Next week we will explore a variety of anger management techniques that could save your life.
We Welcome New Travellers
If you are joining this weekly quest for the first time, you can easily catch up on the past instalments by logging on to www.jobbank-ja.com. You can also measure you Emotional Intelligence at our web site. On the Download Page, you will find all the back articles. You may also leave your comments or questions on the message board at the same site or E-mail me at lsemaj@jobbank-ja.com. Each week we will take you deeper into understanding your personality profile and how to use this knowledge to take charge of your personal and professional life.
