By Rosemary Parkinson, Contributor 
Patrons lined up in a bid for Sunday lunch at the Sovereign Deli in Kingston. - Rosemary Parkinson
WE WERE all gathered together in Jack's Hill, St. Andrew on a Sunday. The rain began and feelings were a little out of sorts, re preparing Sunday lunch. I, in my inimitable fashion, had a brilliant idea. "Let's bring in it and forget the cooking."
Suggestions went back and forth -- home delivery versus fast food. The camp was divided. Out came the Yellow Pages. Not much help at all. Phoned other friends to discover there are only two choices in Kingston for home delivery -- Jerk or Pizza. That's it. (If anyone knows better do tell.) Hey, food people, there's dinero to be made here -- food-by-phone while reading the Sunday news is divine.
By 1:45 p.m. it was decided to do a test -- one of my 'face-offs'. I had not done one since (it appears) the now 'famous' Red Bones and Norma's On The Terrace. This time it was to be delivery versus fast food.
Called the directory assistance and a gentleman answered almost immediately -- no computer voice here, just a lovely laugh and out with the number 925 Jerk. Thank you Sir, and a pleasant Sunday to you too. Do you always answer phones so pleasantly? Are you single? Hmmm Hmm Hmm.
A phone call to 925-Jerk (hey, what a marketing whammy -- no name, just the phone number) told us 45 minutes max for the delivery. Any penalties if you're late? I live in Outer Mongolia according to my other Caribbean home delivery experience. A penalty would have been comforting, but no such luck.
THE RACE WAS ON
So here was the decision: 'The Lord of the house' was to be left behind to receive the home delivery 'Jerk thingie' (can't keep mentioning that number-name), and we would take off to the nearest fast food restaurant. Sunday Lunch from Sovereign Deli sounded great as well as quick little odds and ends from Mother's, Liguanea. The race was on. We had no doubt in our little fast food minds as to the winner. Yeah right. Read on.
We arrived at Sovereign Deli at 2:00 p.m. The jerk telephone order was made at that exact time too.
The Deli was busy but not overcrowded. There was plenty of staff to go around but not much food to serve. Now I ask you, if you are known for several years for your Sunday brunch and Sunday lunch, why should you run out of food at 2:00 p.m.? And if you do run out of essential things, why do you have people paying the same price as when they had a choice? I have to add, the staff seemed not to have a clue as to their role in all of this. Total confusion. It was something like this: 'As we are out of plantain, you can have festival because we are out of dumplings but you could have potato which is not really a choice and so is considered two items. Or have a bammy.'
Excuse Me? Could you run that by me again? Can I, by the way, just have one bammy instead of two festivals? 'Higher' clueless beings had to be alerted with total gibberish being explained for 10 minutes. Monty Python has nothing on Sovereign Deli Staff. Promise.
I mean, hello. Do I need all this aggravation on a Sunday? I don't think so. Just give me the best Sunday lunch you have -- whatever I am supposed to get (six choices from a list of 11) and I mean everything, and let me get home. Clearly, in this joint you need rocket scientists to count items in the takeaway pack. I mean, does one pork chop, one scoop of macaroni pie, one 1/2 scoop (they ran out) of potato and vegetables, and one scoop of calalloo sound like a "meat and six choices?". No Sah! Not in my books. Two enormous ugly festivals to make up my 'lunch' later, I was out of there. Time of departure 2:45 p.m.
THE JERK HIT THE FINISH LINE IN 25 MINUTES
After this saga came the dreaded call. The Jerk hit the finish line in 25 minutes. From Dunrobin, Constant Spring Road to upper Jack's Hill. First-time delivery for Sir Jerk-on-a-bike to this particular house. 925-Jerk (You see what I mean, call their name is giving their number. Smart Jerk Chickens)
We entered Mother's for the kiddie stuff. Two set combos (one with Ice Cream Sundae) and a hot dog. All nearly went well. Our ice cream lady's flavours all sounded like "sheeowsheeowine" but pointing worked and our food was wrapped, boxed and in the car in no time at all. Time of arrival 2:50 p.m. time of departure 3:05 p.m.
Here's a synopsis of price and tastes. 'Twas not me alone dis time for the latter.
SOVEREIGN DELI
Liver and onions, scoop of callalloo, 1/2 bammy, 2 festivals
Pork chop, scoop of macaroni, 1/2 scoop of potato and vegetables, scoop of calalloo, 2 festival
2 slices of bread pudding (J$65 each)
Cost: A whopping J$1,050
Liver: Excellent
Callalloo: Callalloo
Bammy & festivals: The former soggy. The latter huge, tough and tasteless.
Pork Chop: No previous indication it was smoked. Tough, dry and--well -- smoked. Sauce over-sweet with no resemblance to anything in particular. Macaroni and potato vegetables: Okay. Are you using sugar here?
Bread Pudding: Excellent -- like homemade.
MOTHER'S
Hamburger Ice cream sundae. Hot dog. Patty cheese combo meal. Cost: $J403
Hamburger: Tasty.
Hot Dog: Where do you get those pink 'glow in de dark' sausages? Dear Lord, A Bart Simpson Nuclear Weapon dat.
Patty Cheese: Absolutely scrumptious, best thing on the table.
Ice Cream Sundae: Gorgeous, creamy, three choices of 'sheeowsheeow-ine'. Plenty nuts. Deeelicious.
925 JERK
1 lb. Jerk Pork Hot Pepper, 1 lb. Jerk Pork Honey Blend, 4 hard dough rolls. Cost: J$760
Great delivery service.
Wonderful packaging. Mostly bones, hardly any meat. Blends were in a container. Not in the pork. Strange undepictable taste. Bland. Could be better. (A note for the jerk-thingie people -- we have since asked four other recipients of home delivery -- three said the jerk was not good, one said excellent. I think bland is a good summarisation. So
perk it up a notch).
Hard dough bread -- too commercial.
CONCLUSION
Don't be so lazy nex' time. Cook dat Sunday lunch. Have fun in the kitchen, make a party of it. Perk yourself up with some rum punches and just enjoy.
Rosemary Parkinson, author of Culinaria: The Caribbean and Shake Dat Cocktail has been
kidnapped by a giant glow-in-de-dark pink 'being' accompanied by two hard doughs --.nuclear weapons have been deployed to ensure her safe recovery.
