Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor,

I am 18 years old and I am a virgin. My problem is that I have ended two relationships in the past year and I need your advice.

In both relationships the young men wanted sex and I told them I was not ready. I told them that I felt that having sex was a serious step and I was not ready for such a move. I am a Christian and go to college.

What was disappointing for me was the fact that both young men professed to be Christians. They were no different from the non-Christian guys I used to date. I have other Christian friends who have had sex, and to them it is no big thing.

I believe that sex before marriage is wrong, but how do I stay chaste without seeming prudish?

- Shanique

Dear Shanique,

The sexual revolution has corrupted the concept of sex and sexuality, bringing it down to the base level of a strictly biological need. Abstinence is becoming an increasingly unpopular word, drawing ridicule from cynics who feel that as long as it feels good, you should do it.

In my counselling experience, I have found that many young persons who have got involved in sexual activities at an early age have regretted it. For some, the regret was based on their misplaced belief that the relationship would have lasted forever. They felt that having given themselves to this person, they 'owned' him.

This idea often does not sit well with the man, as in many cases the girl was seen as just another conquest. I encourage young girls to value themselves. If you do not know your value, you will sell yourself short, consequently feeling rejected.

There are many Christian young men who are committed to their religious beliefs and will defer sex till after marriage. Shanique, you know what you want for your life; let no one steal that dream.

In standing up for your beliefs, you may be considered prudish, but so what? In the end, you will be better off. Examine the friends you keep. If your friends are sexually active (even if they profess Christianity), they can somehow break down your resolve. This may be the time to do some 'pruning' and remove from your life persons who could contaminate your values.

Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.