WESTERN BUREAU:
ONE SATURDAY afternoon in March 2002, John Smith*, a 38-year-old St. James mason who thought he had contracted HIV/AIDS, decided his life was no longer worth living. To end it all, he guzzled down a fast-acting weed killer.
It was being rumoured in his community that his live-in girlfriend, who he admitted had suddenly lost a significant amount of weight, was infected with HIV/AIDS, and without seeking medical clarification, he somehow convinced himself that he had the disease.
"It must have been mind over matter, because I just started feeling weak in my system and I really felt like something was wrong with me," said the soft-spoken mason. "I just decided that I could not live with the shame, so I decided to kill myself."
Smith, who said he decided not to seek a medical opinion because he did not want anyone to see him going to the doctor, said that as the rumours continued, he gradually began to feel as though he was losing his mind.
"Whenever I saw two people talking, I would tell myself that they were talking about me," said Smith. "When I went to bed at nights, I could feel the blood pounding in my head and little voices telling me that I am going die in shame."
As his life became more and more miserable, Smith said his girlfriend, who kept on telling him she was okay, got fed up and left him. Her sudden departure caused the rumours to intensify and he began telling himself that the answer to his problem was to kill himself.
After secretly securing the Gramoxone from a coop at his father's yard, he began to have reservations about going ahead with his plan. However, every time a suspicious eye stared in his direction, the thought returned.
"That Saturday, I decided that I could not continue living in sadness. I cooked a big pot of food and mixed a jug of drink and mixed it with the Gramoxone and then had what I thought would have been my last meal."
He distinctly remembered losing consciousness, thinking he had succeeded in killing himself.
RUSHED TO HOSPITAL
However, his neighbour, who had heard his coughing and vomiting, went to check on him. He was found lying prostrate on the ground with the bottle of poison not far away. Once he smelt the contents of the bottle, he immediately recognised it was Gramoxone. He promptly called for help, and the unconscious Smith was rushed to the Cornwall Regional Hospital.
Smith spent two weeks in hospital receiving medical care and counselling, during which time he discovered that he did not have HIV/AIDS. Realising his folly, he decided that since God had given him a second chance, he was going to become a Christian.
"The more I think about what I did, the more lucky I feel today," said Smith. "It has been two years now and it is already a distant memory."
* Name changed on request.
- A.F.
