Revenge fantasy is sweet. You keep replaying in your mind the many ways to get back at the bastard who crossed your path. Fortunately, most people don't live out their revenge fantasy. Rational thinking (elements of socialisation, education and so on) usually kicks in sending reminders of right and wrong and warning signals of possible consequences.

Rational thinking is the buffer between sweet revenge fantasy and action. When that system fails, there are scenes like the angry, out-of-control, machete-wielding man on television news a few nights ago.

Is anger bad?

In counselling sessions, we tell our clients that anger is a normal, natural, even healthy emotion - just like the other emotions. This might sound surprising until the next statement is made. Anger is the feeling but, the expression of anger must be managed and channelled into socially appropriate behaviour. This has to be one of society's rules or else revenge fantasy would no longer be just fantasy and there would be unrestrained machete wielding.

What's anger all about?

Anger is about unfulfilled expectations. For example, you expected your child to follow your rules, he didn't or you expected your wife to be faithful but she cheated. It's also about rules (some of them unrealistic) which individuals construct to guide their lives.

Some adults have unresolved childhood issues that continue to make them angry - the mother who abandoned them, the father who didn't support them, abuse and so on. On top of this, there are daily stressors - mounting bills to pay, unhappy relationships, unemployment, children to go to school, nosy neighbours, inconsiderate co-workers and so on.

Inappropriate expressions of anger

1. Anger vs aggression - Anger has several components - thoughts, feelings, images, physical sensation - over which the individual has little direct control when triggered. Aggression is the behaviour over which the individual has more direct control. Anger and violence are not synonymous. It is aggression that chops, shoots, breaks bone and so on.

2. Suppression - Some people were socialised to believe that anger is bad. They either ignore or hold that emotion in. These people usually show up as your garden variety passive-aggressive types. They are resentful, sullen, scheme and plot; drag their feet on the job; sabotage systems and are cynical and sarcastic. They feel powerless to assertively respond to the source of their anger.

What works

Assertive responses give us a framework to be honest about our feelings without violating our rights (by being passive) or the other person's rights (by being aggressive). Assertiveness training should be added to the skill set of children and of adults who missed out on this vital life-skill training. Steps to managing your feelings and being assertive include:

1. Become aware that you are in fact angry. Learn to identify and name the feeling.

2. It is okay to feel angry. You have a right to all your feelings and you really don't owe anybody an explanation for your feelings.

3. Express your feelings and concerns in a direct, clear and assertive manner usually using 'I messages'. Focus on what you are feeling and what you would like. Here's an example of an assertive statement:

"I am feeling so angry right now because you were so late and that messed up my schedule. I would have preferred if you had called to indicate that you were running late."

The response has the feeling (anger), what the offender did to make you angry (being late) and the behaviour you wanted to see (a telephone call). The technique takes practice and can be adapted. I use it myself and I can think of only two or three times when I didn't get the desired responses.

Eulalee Thompson is health editor and a professional counsellor; email: eulalee.thompson@gleanerjm.com.