Q Four years ago, I got married to my soulmate. We have a three-year-old boy and a one-year-old girl. But increasingly I want time to be alone - away from my husband and children.

Is that unreasonable? My husband thinks I am unreasonable to want time away from him and the children. I enjoy going shopping walking and eating out together but there are times I just want my space. Is that a contradiction, that I am married and want my own space at times?

- Marie

A Marriage does not negate the need to be by oneself or wanting to achieve one's goals. A married person is first an individual, with his/her own personality. Solitude is an aspect of a healthy life and marriage. Having time alone affords you the opportunity to think, to reflect, time to dream and time to grow spiritually. It is necessary to be able, at times, to withdraw from the 'madding crowd' and to face oneself and deal with one's specific needs.

Because you have two children, the opportunities to have solitude might not be easy and frequent. Your husband does not understand that although the essence of marriage is togetherness, you may want your own space for 'me time' and personal development.

Room for solitude

Explain to your husband that in good marriages, there should be room for solitude so that each partner can have individual growth, allowing each other to be who he/she is.

Allowing each person space is a sign of trust and commitment. We show faith in the other person and a fidelity to the partner when we protect each other's personal moments.

It is possible that one partner will have certain hobbies and interests which the other person has no inclination for. What should be done in such situations? One can acquire a taste for those hobbies.

It is also possible to be in the house with husband and children and wanting to tune out from the mundane responsibilities of being a wife and a mother. This is not the same thing as post-natal trauma. It is just a desire to be left alone for a time for reflection, meditation and renewal. Too often young married couples are not aware of such needs in the other person.

Separate vacations

You might, therefore, consider sometimes going on separate vacations. At other times, you may want to go on a vacation with your husband and without the children. Hopefully, you have a responsible relative to leave the children with. There will be times for a family vacation. Please inform your husband that a separate vacation might so refresh and reinvigorate you that you would return to your husband and children with greater gusto for them.

Please talk with your husband and assure him that your desire for solitude is not a rejection of him but rather a need on your part for time to deal with your own personal fulfilment and actualisation.

Want to talk to the counsellor? Email: editor@gleanerjm.com.