Oxy Moron, Contributor

When the obviously proud principal introduces Kavan Tavaris as the valedictorian, his fellow graduands erupt in wild applause, some even imitating the sounds of gunshots. Kavan Tavaris skanks on to the podium, dipping to the left, and then to the right. Sweat runs down his half-bleached face, and his long-mouthed, white shoes sparkle in the afternoon sun. The principal meets him halfway, gives him his speech and a tight congratulatory hug.

The boys whistle, and Kavan beams from ear to ear as he walks towards the lectern. He rests the speech thereon, and suddenly a worried look takes over his face. He fidgets a little without looking into the audience. He brings his face towards the paper and stares at it. The quiet onlookers watch in anxiety as he continues to inspect the speech. The principal herself starts to get uneasy, as people wait for Kavan to begin.

Speech of his life

He looks up finally, grinning sheepishly, and sees his friends and family, including his single mother. He has never seen or heard of his father. There they are, dressed in their finery, and waiting for him to give the speech of his life. Just as everybody is getting annoyed by his reticence, he pats the paper and says, "Yuh done know!" He is ready.

In a shaky tone, he begins: "Lady and genkleman, good eveling, big up to mi madda and mi fambly dem, respect, and to mi dupes, Rat Bat, Knife, Joe Grine, a mi seh so, yeah, and all the girls dem who a graduate, Patra, Punky, Taniqua to the wurl." And Rat Bat, Knife, Joe Grine, Patra, Punky and Taniqua jump up and shout, "A de big man dat!"

Nice time dun

Kavan continues, "School time up awready, nice time done, but nuh watch nuh face. Tings affi run, food affi eat. Yuh zimi. Di man dem fi know sey dem fi mine dem yute dem, sen dem to school so dat dem can come out like we. No wuk nuh out geh, soh gwaan do oonu ting. An de girls dem fi mek sure seh dem know dem baby fadda, no jackets roun ere, man a monsta, monsta nuh wear jacket." The male colleagues roar and slap the backs of the metal chairs.

With his confidence now boosted, he turns around to the members of the platform including the principal, who has her head in her hand, and says, "To wi teacha dem, wi love oonu, and we a say tanks fi all wha oonu do fi wi, respect and honour, bless. Is because a you why wi a graduate tiday, cah sometimes not even launch money wi nuh have, an wen wi nuh cum school fi all two months, onu nuh bex, so blessup, zeen."

Distraught principal

He turns back to the audience and says, "Suh hear wha, mi done yuh nuh, so gwaan wid de livity and no mek nobody tun oono inna fool, just deal wid the things dem, zeen!"

With uproarious shouts and clapping, his colleagues and family cheer, as he skanks away from the lectern. He avoids the eyes of the now distraught principal (who has turned her head away, anyway), who, while preparing Kavan's speech, didn't stop for a while to think that this young man who went to school on average of once per week, Mondays, cannot read.

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