Single-minded and self-sufficient

Published: Sunday | July 12, 2009


Mel Cooke, Gleaner Writer

AT TWENTY-SEVEN years old, Samantha has been single for a year, the longest stretch without a committed partner since she began dating - although she says, she does not have to be.

Thick eyebrows over eyes that penetrate and melt into inviting pools are over a full-lipped, sensuous mouth, long skirts (when she wears them) humping teasingly in the back. The intelligence which she applies to her poetry shows in conversation, though she is not arrogant.

And she listens as well as she speaks, exuding good humour and charm.

"It is good," she says about the relationship break. "It was done deliberately. It is more like saying to myself 'I'm going back to the drawing table, because apparently my decision-making skills in relationships are not good'."

"I guess when you are in a relationship and you get to the point where you keep having similar problems with different people, it is time to reflect on self," she tells The Sunday Gleaner.

The recurring problem was in assessing a relationship, seeing just where it was going, as "you start off feeling that you have a lot in common and you are heading to the same goal. Halfway down, you realise that you are not".

After the assessment period is over, Samantha is hoping that her next relationship will be lasting. And she is clear about her priorities in this "last man ever". She has a list.

"The biggest thing on my list is someone who is straightforward and honest about what they want in a relationship. Sometimes it is about lying to themselves, not to you. One of the primary lies men tell is that they are ready for a serious relationship," Samantha says.

"Another is the type of woman they want," as she has found that what a man says attracts him to a woman is often what drives him away.

The time off from a partner has given her space to be more in touch with herself, although she points out that she has always been focused on her passion, whether she is in a relationship or not. "I have not discovered any new ones," she tells The Sunday Gleaner. "I have discovered new things about myself, the idiosyncrasies that lead to issues in relationships."

As for that lonely feeling, she says: "I have not been single long enough. And I'm not single because I cannot find someone. I am single by choice. It's a different feeling from someone who wants to go on a date and cannot."

She says she will not settle for that 'last-ing' relationship with someone who falls short of her criteria, "but I might need a sperm donor", maybe someone who would be a halfway decent father".

"I have a single-mother thing going for me," Samantha says, adding that "some females are self-sufficient".

And some of her friends (most of whom are in relationships) trace her current single-minded self-sufficiency to one thing: "They think I fear commitment."


Mair

  • Dressmaker - Yvonne Mair, late 40s, self-employed

    I am enjoying my single status 100 per cent. I can make decisions without having to get approval. I never want to be dependent. My mother was never that kind of person and I grew up being very independent.

    This does not mean I don't love men, I do. In fact most of my friends are men, but marriage is not high on my list of priorities.

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