My husband and I are getting a divorce. He worked as a salesman travelling all around the island for about three years and admitted that he had been unfaithful to me. My worst fears were realised a year ago when he told me he had a child with another woman. That child is now almost two years old. He has given up that job to be closer to his family (our son and myself), but I still find it hard to relate to him as my husband. I can't be intimate with him. The infidelity keeps coming up in all our discussions. Although I am a Christian, I have not forgiven him and I don't think I ever will. Am I being too harsh?

I am sorry to hear about your imminent divorce. Divorce can be stressful and difficult. Divorce can legally solve the problem of exiting a painful relationship but it can also create other problems. It might leave bitterness at one's partner and also feelings of loneliness.

The loneliness comes because even in the worst of relationships there were good times and a harping for those good times. In addition, in your case there is a son who might not understand why his parents chose to get divorced and might want them to come together as a family. This can be stressful. Not to mention the terms of the divorce can lead to other difficult situations.

You are having problems forgiving your husband's unfaithfulness. Unfortunately, we live in a society in which some husbands feel that adultery is no big thing and that wives will get over these bouts of unfaithfulness. However, adultery breaks down trust in a relationship. It can affect intimacy and other aspects of the marriage.

It is natural to feel that not forgiving your husband will give you satisfaction. Many persons make the mistake of believing that revenge will be an adequate response. Some also believe that forgiving is unreasonable and unmanageable. You might even feel that in forgiving him he is getting away without any punishment for his betrayal of your trust.

However, to forgive is not to have any anger, bitterness and hatred towards your husband who has hurt you. Failure to forgive is opening yourself to be hurt over and over by the same incident, as is happening whenever you have discussions with your husband, while forgiving will allow you to love again free of negative and unhelpful emotions. To forgive is also in your interest because it prevents your husband from hurting you over and over again by his one foolish act. It frees you to enjoy life again having learnt from that awful experience.

To forgive does not necessarily mean that you have to reconcile with your husband. It does not mean that you will forget the hurt immediately or even ever. It means, however, that you will have no hatred toward your husband. It means that the memory of your husband's indiscretion will not continually hurt you.

Please remember that forgiveness is a process in which you admit that you have been hurt and you tell your husband exactly how you feel. If you are having problems after all this time, it means that you need to seek professional help in order to overcome the bitterness and anger.

Repentance and restitution

It appears that your husband has accepted that he was wrong. It also appears that he is displaying fruits of repentance and restitution in that he has given up his job as a salesman so that he could be closer to his family and to work through the problems. Obviously, his work as a salesman provided an opportunity for him to be unfaithful and he seems to want to avoid a repeat.

I think you should try to move towards forgiving your husband. You are too harsh on yourself by not forgiving. In addition, even if you divorce him, he is still the father of your child and you need to be on civil terms, without feelings of anger, bitterness and hatred.

I will pray that you forgive your husband's unfaithfulness for your sake and the sake of your son.

Send your questions and comments to our counsellor at editor@gleanerjm.com or fax 922-6223.