Angela Philipps, Gleaner Writer

Do you live with your boyfriend or baby- father? Do you find yourself catering to all his needs, living like his wife but without the formality of a marriage certificate? Does this bother you?

My regular readers might know already that I have been in this situation a couple times. I know, more fool me! I used to get really annoyed with all of my 'aunties' who kept telling me that I'd never get a commitment out of a fellow if I gave up too much of myself beforehand. Well, after my experiences, I can stand by these older ladies and say that I agree with them wholeheartedly.

Chauvinistic society

We live in a chauvinistic society in Jamaica, a world in which women cater for and wait on men hand and foot. From the moment the boy babies are born, mothers work hard at feeding, supporting and caring for them. Not that they don't do the same for their girls, but as children grow older in this country, it's the females who help with the housework and family life. Fathers come and go as they please. When they are hungry, they come home. When they need laundry done, they come home. Anything that the woman can give him, if you catch my drift, he'll be back again for that. Be assured that he might have a few circumstances similar to this one also in place! Of course, the sons learn from this and begin to expect the same treatment.

You may well be uttering the words, "I love him. Love should be given freely." I agree. However, there's a line, no? It's not tit for tat, but think about this: If your fellow has strong feelings for you, wouldn't he want to please you? Shouldn't you require this respect?

The woman who recently wrote to me isn't sure what the status ought to be between her and the guy she lives with:

"I am living with a man. He is proud to profess he is happy being single. So how can he be single when we live together? We don't have any commitments with each other. I do the duties of a normal 'wife' plus I am around whenever he needs someone to talk to and in return he sends money to my family back home. And for him, he can see other women, he can have that drink at nights, somewhere. He can go on trips with his friends, he can pretty much do whatever, and I can't say anything about it because we are not 'together'.

"So do you think it's fair for me that he is getting the best of both worlds?

"P.S. I also believe there is nothing wrong with being single at all. During my high-school years, I vowed to myself that I would stay single. So, I don't know what changed in me that I would want a commitment ... I guess I just don't want to be on the losing end!"

Doing all for him

What's interesting here is that she thinks that by doing all these things for him, there must be a relationship going on between the two of them. His true feelings, on the other hand, are unknown to us. From the looks of things, she's not far from really. However, if he's professing to be happy being single, surely there's only one thing for her to do. Move out.

What if he's very loving to her in the bedroom? Wouldn't this be sending mixed messages? What if he's constantly thanking and praising her for all that she does for him around the house? These are kind gestures, and ones that might give her hope. She feels needed. Perhaps he'll eventually see the light and resolve to dedicate himself to her. Perhaps not. Why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free? As well as the butter, cream, yoghurt and cheese!

angelaphilippsja@hotmail.com.