Q: My 10-year-old son is acting like a girl. I beat him almost every day for this. People tell me he is going to be gay and that it doesn't matter how I beat him since the female hormones will be there because the Lord made him that way. I am planning to send him to his father in Kingston who says he can beat it out of him. What should I do? He is very bright in school.

A: I am happy that your son is doing well in school, please continue to encourage him in positive ways.

Remember that beating a child so that he/she will be harmed physically or mentally is child abuse. Beating will not solve the problem, if there truly is one.

I would like to know what you mean by acting like a girl. This would help me to understand what exactly the problem is. There are boys who act effeminate, that is, act like women in certain ways, but that does not mean that they are gay. You need to see a psychologist on your own to discuss your fears and concerns regarding your son's behaviours and how to cope with other aspects of his behaviour as they arise.

Q: My son is seven years old and is in grade one. His behaviour is causing me concern, in that when he was at basic school, teachers complained that he did not behave and he did not listen. However, he did his schoolwork, because when I checked his books, I could see that he was doing well.

At the school he is now attending, the teacher said his behaviour is affecting his work as he plays too much. She said the only thing left for her to do is to let the office send me a letter to find another school for him.

I don't know why he is like this. I talk to him every day and even threaten to take away the things that he likes. When he is at home, he does not act this way, so I don't know why, when he is at school (he acts differently). He is the last child. His other siblings are much older.

Please advise me on what to do. I am considering having him assessed.

A: There are many reasons why your son may act this way. It may be that he is not happy at school, possibly for academic reasons, or, he may not be conforming to the school rules because he realises that he can get away with rude behaviour. Or, he may just be seeking attention and this is where the school's guidance counsellor and a psychologist may work with you to determine what is really causing him to be disruptive. If you have to move him to another school, you should get him tested to make sure that he is not having any learning problems. It may also be that he is smart and is bored at school. Getting him assessed and being firm about him respecting school rules and your being consistent with the rewards or punishment you give will be very important.

Q:I have an eight-year-old grandson who complains about everything. He can be very nice one minute and the next he is a tyrant, shouting, pouting and answering back. His parents are not living with us but he hears from them very often. He also does not like to do his homework and his teacher is complaining that he daydreams a lot. Simple maths problems and English tasks he is not able to do very well, unless he is in a good mood. He reads well, argumentative and reasons very well. I need help because he started out doing good work in the first four years in school but is now going backwards.

A: You should get him tested to make sure that he is doing work at his grade level. Many times the psychologist finds that a child can speak well but when he/she is to do his/her schoolwork, it is not at the level it should be. Some rules should be set regarding your grandson completing his schoolwork and you should ensure that Mommy and Daddy are a part of the planning process when making the rules. His parents being absent and the style of parenting or grandparenting you are practising may affect his behaviour. A psychologist will be able to guide you after a child and family assessment has been completed.

Q:Doc, my son is 16 years old and a final-year high school student. He is reading below grade-four level, unable to spell, add or subtract properly. He has been through all the assessment programmes to no avail. I am so depressed I don't know what to do.

A: It would be helpful if I knew what types of assessment he has completed. Even with assessment, what is very important is the type of help the individual receives after being tested. The type of diagnosis and the type of therapy/treatment received are two of the critical parts of getting an individual help so that the person can do the best according to his/her potential.

Dr Orlean Brown-Earle is a child psychologist and family therapist.

POSITIVE Parenting