Kelly

Every time I think that I've seen it all in Jamaica, somehow, my fellow citizens find a way to surprise me.

Two things are at the front of my cranium, one serious, the other hilarious! First off, I hope there is a spot reserved in hell for the guys who robbed the Salvation Army School. Stealing of any kind is wrong, but stealing from those who are not 100 per cent physically able is just despicable! There are some things you just don't do.

What next?

Life has already bowled a tricky bouncer to the visually, mentally and hearing impaired. But they learn how to live with their disabilities, grit their teeth, summon their will and try to make something of themselves, contributing to society in various ways. And what do the 'able bodied' do? Steal, from them! For me, the robbers are the ones who are mentally impaired! What next? Taking the gum scratchers from babies in their prams? Better yet, steal a paraplegic's wheelchair and use as a toy. Not irie man, not irie AT ALL!

So, after being somewhere between annoyed, peeved and downright angry, the second incident, though still mad, was hilarious. It involves a man, his cellphone and his rectum (yes that part of the body you use when sitting). The reputed leader of a gang in Spanish Town, was arrested for violating the terms of his bail. Now, the idea of prison is to not have some of the comforts of the outside world, like cellphones for instance. Well, this fellow decided he couldn't do without his and was apparently using it behind bars.

The cops caught wind (no pun intended) of this sewage, I mean usage, and went searching. Turns out the fellow hid the device in the place where things should be coming out of, not going into. My condolences to the individual who had to stick a gloved (we hope) hand up there to retrieve the instrument. I've heard persons say they got 'a call' (meaning the stomach started growling) and went off to the bathroom. In this guy's case, that body part was literally calling. Talk about making an ass of yourself!

Now, apart from the obvious shock of this whole incident, I have to ask: When he wanted to use it, how close would he hold the phone to his face? Thank God, nobody on the other end (again no pun) could smell the phone! Yuck! I've heard the American slang 'badass', but I don't think this is what they had in mind.

As for those robbers, they can kiss my .... well, you know! Mi gone.

If you're as disturbed as I am, tell me at daviot.kelly@gleanerjm.com.

The damage caused by robbers at the Salvation Army School for the Blind and Visually-Impaired. Robbers took their time pulling away the concrete underneath the metal gate to some of the offices of the school. - Kyle Macpherson/Photographer