On Father's Day, yesterday, many fathers could be seen all over Kingston basking in the company of their children. One such father was Venance Meja, who was seen walking along Camp Road with his children - Rebekah (left) and Raymond after attending Mass at the Holy Trinity Cathedral on North Street. Rudolph Brown/Chief Photographer
Kudos on family focus
THE EDITOR, Sir:
I am a board certified family physician with over 30 years' experience working with children and families. I have supervised psychologists and began a programme to teach parenting skills and to provide counselling for children who are at a high risk for abuse.
I applaud The Gleaner for doing the parenting articles. Teaching parents how to be better parents is very important. It, like other skills, is learned. As I often told my patients, if you went to the worst cabinetmaker in town to learn how to build cabinets, what kind of a cabinet builder would you be? Obviously, not a very good one! Regardless of your desire, you would not know how to dovetail joints, mitre corners, etc.
The correct things
The same is true for parenting. Let us learn from the correct things our parents did, but also do the wrong things differently. Just because Momma did something one way and I turned out OK does not mean that was the best way! Perhaps there was a better, easier and more fun way to do it.
I read the article by Dr Orlean Brown-Earle in today's Gleaner (Monday, June 9). The nine-year-old who is disrespectful is a child who might be abused. The mother states, "I beat her constantly." The doctor's recommendation seems to be far more stern and punishing. What about sitting down with the child when there is no anger and agreeing to written rules with both good and bad consequences. I suspect this mother is overwhelmed with life and children and gives little positive parenting and fun time.
Seeking attention
Often, when children are continually misbehaving, they are seeking attention. Perhaps, this child gets attention only when she is bad, for if mother is beating her, she is certainly not being ignored! Are there other children with whom she is compared unfavourably? When she is good, she may be ignored.
Rewards are far more behaviour-changing than punishments. Rules need to be concrete - not ephemeral. Consequences also need to be concrete and fulfilled. The major reward for most children is one-on-one time with a parent. This is not always easy for single mothers and working women, but it is quality, not quantity, that is important. Five minutes before bed to read a book or talk about the day, a walk under the stars or even letting the child help make a favourite dish or dessert is often sufficient.
Finally, is the child suffering from Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder? Is the child 'bad' only with mother, or also at school, at church, with grandmother? It is my professional opinion that children are not 'bad, but mishandled'.
I am, etc.,
LINDA CHIDESTER, MD
Get back to God
THE EDITOR, Sir:
If every mother and father were to pray daily, together with their children, read the Bible daily to their children, teach their children daily to know who God is, a new generation of children would become adults who would live peacefully with others.
They would be honest and would work hard to have the money to look after themselves and others in need. They would do all of these things because of their belief in God as the Supreme Being, their love for God, and their respect for God.
Proverbs 22:6 reads, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it."
I am, etc.,
LESLIE JOSEPH
BUCKLAND JR
PO Box 1784
The love of my dad, Leo Oakley
THE EDITOR, Sir:
I remember the unconditional love that my father showered on me and how that love impacted my life. Daddy made me believe in myself and gave me the confidence to believe that I could do anything. Many times I found myself in compromising positions and just thinking about Daddy's love made me stop and do the right thing.
Love begets love
Daddy passed away 10 years ago and I can still see his smile as it lit up his face whenever I walked in the room. We owe it to our children to permeate their entire beings with love. I tell my four-year-old daughter Kerry every day that she is beautiful, intelligent and amazing. She gets it too, because I hear her returning the compliment to others too. Love begets love.
Many of my girlfriends have also shared how their fathers' love shaped their personalities and made them motivated, confident professionals. They look at their other half and see personality traits of their fathers. I believe that, to a large extent, a girl's father helps her to define true love. Daddy taught me that true love is not about pretty looks and nice speeches. It's about cherishing you with respect and providing unconditional emotional support.
Daddy summed it up with his acts of love. Positive parenting in one word is 'love'.
I am, etc.,
LANIE OAKLEY-WILLIAMS
General Manager, Operations
National Housing Trust
4 Park Boulevard
Kingston 5
POSITIVE Parenting
It takes a village
Many parents make the mistake of parenting in a vacuum.
The African saying 'It takes a village to raise a child' really says it all. That means we have to view child rearing in the broadest sense and have to be cognisant of the effects of placing a child in the midst of the village that already exists. We, therefore, need to do a good job so our children do not rock the boat.
Any group of people living together may be termed a family and all should be expected to function in harmony for the betterment of that group. We need to bear in mind that we are products of our environment and to rear children successfully, the adults who directly impact on their lives need to be good examples.
Seen and not heard
In the past, children were expected to be seen and not heard and to not speak unless spoken to. While I support the old way of child rearing, I hasten to say that time must be made for children to voice their opinions, fears and general questions they might have about life. These times would be the opportunities for good parenting to come to the fore.
Many parents make the mistake of ignoring the errors that their offspring make because they had made the same ones. Remember, we learn from our mistakes and it would do you good to point out to the child that you had made the same mistakes, but state clearly the lessons you learnt from them. Life is not about pretending to be perfect, it is a learning process.
If I were to make a list of dos and don'ts, it would be as follows:
1. Love and respect yourself and all family.
2. Avoid all negativity.
3. Do not gossip, especially in front of children.
4. Do not be two-faced. If you speak badly about people and then embrace them when you see them, the child will be confused and not know how to relate to them, especially family members. This is the beginning of disrespect.
5. Be fair to your children and treat them equally. If you love one over the other, do not make it obvious.
6. Correct bad behaviour as soon as it happens.
7. Encourage them to do the right thing all the time.
8. Monitor all TV watching, including cartoons.
9. Provide them with books to spur their imagination and give them paint, crayons etc., to encourage creativity.
10. Spend time with them. If they need you when it is inconvenient, tell them and make an appointment for when it is more convenient.
11. Be gentle and they will follow your lead.
I am, etc.,
JAY POWELL
escritorajamaiquina46@yahoo.com
Except the Lord builds the house
THE EDITOR, Sir:
I read your Positive Parenting features of June 6, and I wanted to share a few points. Psalm 127 reads, "EXCEPT the Lord builds the house, they labour in vain that build it."
1. Positive parenting will seek out a balanced home.
2. Single parents cannot provide this facility and children will be raised unbalanced.
3. Parents are spending time and investing money so that their children can partake in various activities like swimming, football, dancing, tennis, track and field. But, these parents never take their children to Sunday school.
4. Money is spent on designer clothes, hairstyles and parties, but there is no investment in the child's spiritual life.
5. Look at how some children are dressed. Their parents are paying for these clothes.
Positive parenting cannot occur without Jesus Christ being the centre of that home.
I am, etc.,
JUDIE O'SULLIVAN
Bethel Tabernacle
Ocho Rios, St Ann
An excellent series
THE EDITOR, Sir:
I note that you are doing a series on positive parenting and asking for advice on being a positive parent. This is an excellent series.
My advice to parents would be to get coaching on how to communicate effectively with their children and how to get over the issues they are going through. This is because most of the time we read or are told how to deal with issues and what to put in place, but that does not always work as the issues persist.
A transformation
What is needed is a transformation in the way we think about our situation and coaching to get rid of the deep-seated issues we face.
For example, parents who are angry with their children can be coached to get over their anger, as the anger they are feeling has nothing to do with their children but with something that happened in their past.
Therefore, when parents get coached to get over their issues, they will have a better relationship with their children.
I am, etc.,
CHRISTINE MORRIS
Business and Life Coach
christinemorriscoach@yahoo.
co.uk
