Heather Little-White, Ph.D., Contributor
June is traditionally the month for marriages and family, friends and well-wishers of the couple wish for their eternal bliss. The couple's desire is to fulfil their build and sustain an intimate marriage. To avoid a dull and boring marriage which may eventually lead to failure, there are several key elements to creating an intimate marriage.
Compatibility
The first concern of soon-to-be married couple is that of compatibility, even after a period of extended courting. It is a matter that must be addressed before taking the vow to determine compatibility in perspectives, values and life's goals. Premarital counselling should stress compatibility issues and, contrary to popular belief, compatibility has little to do with great sex.
Sex may be great but you may find it difficult to agree with your partner and you may eventually feel that you married the wrong person. It takes a lot of work to get the different pieces of your lives to fit together. Until you really learn how to do that, you will experience some disagreements and problems. The period before your marriage should be about learning how to get your needs met, not necessarily pushing away your partner because the pieces of your lives are different.
Commitment
Safety is an important factor in self-actualisation and a sense of fulfilment with your partner. Commitment is a very important factor for bonding in the union. The Bible exhorts that in marriage a man and woman are called to leave their families of origin, to weave their separate lives into a unity and to cleave to each other.
This means that once you have made the commitment to the union, you should stay its course despite the challenges that may arise. It means you do not walk away, literally or emotionally, from an argument or discussion. It also means being present emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
As part of the commitment, you should take responsibility, with your partner, for the organisation of finances, household matters, family planning and child-rearing options, and whatever else is needed to stay happy. When you enter marriage, you would have made a contract with your mate and your marriage will not work unless you are responsible for keeping all agreements.
Communication
Communication is another important factor in building the intimate marriage. An essential component of communication is listening, which is a difficult task for some people. Listening means being aware of the spoken and unspoken, the body language and the energy of your partner. Listening means being non-judgmental or defensive, even in the closest of relationships. Listening is a skill that can be learned to improve communication between couples.
Sharing feelings and emotions are a part of the communication process that leads to intimacy. It means being open and honest, sharing feelings and keeping no secrets and telling lies. It means being honest about the information you share about your past life, your plans, and expectations.
Words
In marriage it is important to have full disclosure to present yourself fully in the relationship so that intimacy can follow. The way you use the words can also foster harmony in the union. According to Proverbs 15:4, "gentle words are a tree of life" and words should help you and your spouse develop healthy communication patterns, listening with care and giving life to each other.
Setting expectations means being open to outcomes and options as they arise. Though the outcomes may be disappointing, there should be no resentment towards each other. Equal partnership means sharing all decisions and making plans jointly with the willingness to consider each other's needs.
The vow
A committed relationship is intimate, comfortable, exciting and safe. These elements are critical to the vow you will take to cement your union as man and wife. For example, the traditional marriage vow reads:
(bride/groom) ___________ do you take this woman
To be your lawful wedded husband/wife,
To live together in holy matrimony,
To love, honour and comfort him/her,
Keep him/her in sickness and in health,
And forsaking all others, keep you only unto him/her,
As long as you both shall live?
Some contemporary self-written vows may read:
I make a commitment of life together
Knowing with the uncertainties of the future
That our love for one another
Will remain constant through it all.
I offer myself to you as companion, lover, and friend and I promise to love you forever.
Today I will marry my friend,
the one I will live with, dream with and love.
I take you to be my husband/wife.
From this day forward I will cherish you
I will look with joy down the path of our tomorrow
knowing we will walk it together side by side,
hand in hand and heart to heart.
A loving, intimate marriage consists of a deep friendship where you hold each other's hands and say, "I'll stand by you." The word 'intimacy' is also called "in-to-me-see." It is about being open and really baring your soul to your life mate. Only then will you discover the strength and beauty of your marriage and become even more intimate companions.
