Then one day she had a rude awakening. "I was in the kitchen cooking breakfast and he and I were talking, and the doorbell rang and he went to the door and stayed there a little too long, and I got curious."We had hardwood floors and I had my shoes off so I was kind of tipping and I went to look, and I saw him passionately kissing a man. This was his lover obviously.
"Incidentally, his lover was a Jamaican. Prior to that, he would come in very early in the morning like 4-5 a.m. and, like any wife, I can't sleep until my husband reaches home. I would look out the window and see him in this BMW and the windows were foggy enough, for hours and hours he would be in the vehicle.
"Although I would ask him what he was doing so long in the car, he would give me some dumb excuse. I was young, so I accepted the excuse ... I went into denial. I didn't say anything. I tend to be an introvert with some things."
The marriage lasted 13 years. Then she divorced him.
She was there with him on his death bed. That's when she confronted him about his bisexuality. He acknowledged that he was bisexual. That's when he also chose to reveal to the younger of his two daughters, then 12, of his bisexuality. In her mid-teens, that daughter began asking questions about her father, and Lecei sat her down and they had a heart-to-heart conversation on the issues. The older daughter told her years later that she suspected her dad to be a bisexual.
Bob Wright died in 1987 from AIDS. Lecei, however, did not contract HIV.
Why did it take her years to confront him on his bisexuality? The reason - she was in deep denial.
"I would need a psychologist to tell me what type of denial because during the marriage I had an affair when I found this thing out. I played this thing out in my own personal life. I found solace there though I really wanted my marriage to work. I went out there to find solace for my own sanity and held on to this (affair)," said Lecei.
Verbally abused
There were other problems with the marriage. She was verbally abused. And after some time, he took hardly any interest in her sexually.
Lecei felt deceived, but not just by Bob. She said Bob's bisexuality was known to his siblings, and to the pastor who counselled them for marriage - but none of them told her what she was getting into. Furthermore, being a young, headstrong woman, she wondered to what extent she would have heeded such a caution.
Lecei's dad, an assistant pastor, was like a father to Bob when he was growing up. Her dad was devastated when he learnt about Bob's bisexuality. He wept, she said.
Bob apologised to her parents before he died for the deceit.
Lecei has little sense of the origins of her late husband's bisexuality. "He never spoke to it on his death bed. He would not open up. I know his father was in prison. His mother married a man who was abusive and that's who he grew up with. I know homosexuality was like a thread in his immediate family. He was so manly. You would not have suspected him."
After counselling and getting her life back in order following Bob's death, Lecei felt her pain could become a tool to help others who are relating to a spouse on the down-low.
Hence she decided to write her book.
"The first thing that inspired me was my own personal experience. The pain of it, coming out of it. When you are in it you don't think you can come out. But after you come out of it, and you look back, you realise that you learned a lot. So I wanted to share it with others who were going through the same experience.
"Another reason is that I know someone whose husband was a bishop in the church, and how he had gotten beaten up and his wife did not know he was a bisexual. She asked, 'What were you doing over there' and he gave his excuse. She found out three to five years later when he died of AIDS. So since me and this lady had a similar situation, I felt somebody needs to write about this and help some of these women and men (whose wives are lesbians)."
It took her 15 years to complete the book as she had to pause many times to deal with pains of the past. Before publishing, she secured the green light from their now adult daughters.
With time and counselling, she estimates that she is 98 per cent healed. In fact, she is open to marrying again.
The book, she said, is also written to arm church folk with information to competently and compassionately deal with bisexuality within its ranks.
"The Caribbean Church needs to be a little more understanding of bisexuality. They need to gain knowledge to know how to deal with bisexuality in the Church. The churches in the United States are pretty open in dealing with bisexuality among members.
"The Church is going to have to confront the issues and create a relaxed environment for people to feel comfortable enough to open up and share in confidential settings, and be able to get answers. The Church has not known how to give answers to this type of issue and sexual brokenness in general. The Church has not known how to handle anything that has to do with homosexuality. Churches should set up counselling teams that are qualified to deal with issues related to homosexuality."
Sermons, she said, must be biblical, compassionate and non-judgemental.
She continued, "The pastor's message cannot be something that evades this kind of issue. The pastor has to learn to show them (bisexuals) the love of Christ constructively, so that they will feel confident enough to walk to the altar and say, 'I am dealing with bisexuality and I need help.'
For women who know that their husbands are on the down-low, Lecei advises, "Don't divorce. But go for counselling." Such wives, she said, need to come to grips with the questions: "Do I really love this man? And am I really willing to stick it out in the healing process if he chooses to be healed?"
Counselling, she stressed, "is the only thing that will bring you to a point of knowing what to do".
Also, both husband and wife need to be very open to God and very close to God.
She said, "God is the only one who knows your end and knows what destiny holds for you. Stay in the Word of God. Be very quiet and not argumentative. Surround yourself with Christians who have a clear understanding of the Bible and whose lives line up with the Bible. These are people who will stand by you in prayer and otherwise help you in these struggles.
"Have someone like a spiritual parent, and or an accountability partner. I did not have guidance, so I ended up having an affair. Don't withdraw and don't sit down and just suffer," she said.
Chapter titles:
Lecei Wright - Andrew Smith/Photography Editor
1. Victim of Circumstances.
2. The Mask: Bisexuality in the Church.
3. Deception and Denial.
4. The Bond of infidelity.
5. The Healing Process.
6. Great Expectations.
7. Restoration: the Phone Call.
Lecei Wright may be reached at lecei_wright@hotmail.com
Send feedback to mark.dawes@gleanerjm.com
