Dr Alverston Bailey, Contributor

"A good sex life is an important part of an individual's overall health," says Mark Schoen, PhD, director of sex education for the Sinclair Intimacy Institute. "People who have a good sex life feel better mentally and physically."

Dr Linda Banner, PhD, a licensed sex therapist specialising in marriage and relationship counselling, advises that "sex can be a wonderful cementer or a terrible wedge" in relationships.

In the beginning of a new relationship, most couples experience very passionate sex. Just the thought of your lover evokes paroxysms of desire.

This is the result of chemistry and novelty. It is always exciting to explore unknown territory but over time the chemistry and novelty wears off and passion diminishes.

I must emphasise to all couples that passion inevitably decreases over time. When lovers settle into the comfort and stability of a long-term relationship, it is natural for it to change and become less intense. Sometimes boredom sets in.

In other words, love may remain constant, but passion comes and goes in waves.

Remember, losing that 'in-love' feeling is a normal developmental stage of love relationships.

In order to bring romance back into your relationship, you first need to understand why it left.

What has happened neurochemically?

When you and your partner were in the early stages of courtship, you experienced the euphoria of infatuation: there is strong evidence that this altered state or 'high' of infatuation is accompanied by neurochemical changes.

In this stage, your brain was flooded with a powerful chemical cocktail (including phenylethylamine (PEA), an amphetamine-like neurotransmitter dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure, and norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter associated with exhilaration, excessive energy, and feelings of excitement) that let you feel boundless energy, optimistic, hyperaroused, etc.

The effects of this cocktail is, however, short-lived, and when the high is gone, you and your partner might experience a condition called dysphoria.

This is not the end of love, but the beginning. Now you can see your partner how he or she really is, instead of a love-blind, idealised version.

What has happened behaviourally?

The first noticeable change often coincides with living together. When you know that you will see each other tomorrow, and the next day and the next day, sex becomes less urgent.

You are also likely to be seeing a lot more of each other's daily living habits. You may also have children around which can make it harder to find the time and the privacy that you used to enjoy. You must now nurture and maintain the relationship.

Couples should engage in giving massages, sending flowers, taking baths, going for long walks, dining out, sending a card, dancing, laughing, exercising, playing cards or board games, expressing love and gratitude, appreciation, attraction, dreams, hopes, etc.

Early in your relationship, you probably spent 90 per cent of your time on nurturance, and only 10 per cent on maintenance. As time passed, the percentages naturally evened out to a more realistic and sustainable 50/50, then to 10 per cent nurturance and 90 per cent maintenance.

If you feel disconnected, it means that it's time to shift the balance and engage in more nurturance behaviours. It is time to work hard at love, just like you did when you were dating.

What has happened sexually?

Your sexual relationship has probably stagnated. You can usually predict with close to 100 per cent accuracy what will happen the next time you and your partner will have sex. Sex has become routine, predictable and boring.

Rekindle the fire

You can generate more sexual passion by ending the conspiracy of silence and bringing your full sexual and erotic self to the bedroom. Here are just a few ideas to get you started.

Communication through talking and touching brings you and your partner closer together. Opening up the lines of communication, when both partners are willing to try something a bit different, can be arousing in itself.

Discuss the changes you are going through and how you can accommodate each other during sex.

Try different positions, use adequate lubrication, massage and cuddling. Ask your partner about his or her needs. Instead of saying what you don't like or criticising, try being positive and offer an alternative. "Instead of ..." is a good starter. "Instead of starting lying down on the bed, let's try starting by standing up in the hallway."

Keeping the sexual spark alive in a marriage or in a long-term relationship can be challenging. However, if couples take time to cultivate and maintain healthy and satisfying sexual relationships, they will keep the flames of love burning for many years to come.

Dr Alverston Bailey is a medical doctor and immediate past president of the Medical Association of Jamaica. Send comments and questions to: editor@gleanerjm.com or fax 922-6223.

Go to your local bookstore and read sex books with your partner and then talk about what you just read. What did you like, dislike, want to try, etc.