Jennifer Keane-Dawes, Contributor

KEANE-DAWES

Dear Jamaica

Me dear mam:

De other day me siddung a me yard a foreign a watch dis programme pon tv. How dis ooman a complain seh she an dis man, who she suppose fe be along wid, look like him a ginal. Missis, ascordin to har, fe bout two year straight, de two a dem use to write love letter, pon de computer, an sen photograph to dem one anneda. But missis, suppose yu eva see de man photo? Young, wid hair notta Elvis Presley, an de dead stamp a Phantom weh smady did draw inna Sunday comic. An who, fram me a ten, an fail Common Entrance de fuss chance, Missis, since me did believe seh me life did done, it was fe me secret plan fe get Phantom whereabouts, hunt him dung, an ask him fe marrid to me.

For me dear mam, de thing dat mek me heart use to flatter every time me see Phantom, was de piece a diamond shape black sinting tape dung ova him two yeye. But weh yu believe spoil me plan? Me neva hab no telephone. Which part dat did fe come fram? Who did a go pay fa? Wid which money? When market did fe go, coal fe buy an sell, fowl feeden fe buy, rent fe pay, an bus fare fe fine? Me dear mam, inna fe we house dem deh days, we did hab fe we personal phone plug een night an day. An dat was wi madda mout. Fe holler we fe move fram Missa Malachi kitchen door like we a po ting a dead fe hungry. For after she move Heaven an Earth fe gi we de big bellyful weh she dis gi we, she nuh know how she one end up wid suh much crasses. Suh much disgrace to de human race. An we fe go bathe. An even if de house a bun dung, doan put we foot back outta door till day light. Bwoy, after dem deh heap a talking we use to gi, may Massa Gad bless me madda everlasting.

Suspicious story

But missis, back to de ooman story. Well, dis like me an Phantom, she fall deeply in love wid de man photograph. Deep, like da precipice weh line up good, a watch St Mary country bus wheel a try cut kanah roun a junction. An den she claims seh she couldn't sleep a night time sake a how har mine a fret pon him, an de danger weh him inna, a fly plane inna war. An so, after him an har talk little more, she sen five towzin US dallah go gi him fe buy plane ticket fe come home.

Well, har bredda fine out an draw suspicion. Suh when him put a private detective pon de case, dem fine seh de man not only put smady else photograph pon de computer an seh a him dat, but him was a ole man, no wuk, an lib a Florida wid him lady. Suh, she lose har money an lef now, wid dis big ole lie weh dis man tell har. But hear de joke, she still a mek excuse fe him. My dear lady, me seh all dis fe seh das when y'a pickney, people wi understand if yu fool fool. For even Massa Gad Himself seh foolishness is wrapped up in the heart of a child. But me believe seh when yu tun big smady, yu fe try hab sense. An nuh be a simpleton weh dis a lib a galang suh. A skin teet when dem suppose fe bex. An a ask so so foolishness when dem suppose fe a skin teet. Cho. A smady like dis is a definite eediat.

Tek care!

Dr Jennifer Keane-Dawes is a professor of communication at Elizabeth City State University, a constituent institution of the University of North Carolina System.