Dear Counsellor:

I have been married for the past two years and whenever I talk to my husband about things that he should be doing, he claims that I am nagging. I do not consider what I am doing to be nagging and this sometimes results in serious conflicts where we do not talk to each other for days or until he has done what he is supposed to do.

The other day, I was really offended when he told me that he was tired of my nagging. Is it possible that I am nagging and I am not aware?

-Verna

Dear Verna:

We all have a 'blind' spot. According to the Johari Window, it is that area about us that others are aware of and we are not. Let us dissect a situation.

If there is something that he should be doing around the house, do you constantly remind him about it until it gets done, irrespective of the mood he is in or the time of day or night? Is it that the most important thing for you is that the job gets done? That could not only be considered nagging, but could also make him feel like a child.

Also, the tone of voice that you use could determine whether he complies. The result is that he will resent being treated as a child and will retaliate by simply ignoring you or punishing you for disrespecting him.

Although you would like the job done, I am sure you do not want to disrespect him by making him feel like a child. Research has shown that nagging never changed anyone; as a matter of fact, people get hardened with constant nagging.

Verna, you have only been married for two years, do you think it is worth it for both of you to be 'in malice' for days? Your honeymoon period should still be ongoing. If you spite or punish each other, after a while it will have no effect and eventually you will resort to more hurtful practices.

Whatever the situation, it is important to sort it out in an amicable way and not choke your relationship by constant conflicts. The way disagreements are dealt with will determine the level of harmony in the house and the future of the relationship.

Dear Counsellor:

I have been in a relationship for the past nine months, but the problem I am having is that my boyfriend has never given me a present. I have given him presents and he has never given me one.

I feel funny because my very close friends know that I have given him gifts and they will ask me if I have received anything from him. I feel very embarrassed when I have to tell them no. I know he cares very much for me, but I do not understand why he behaves like this.

I brought up the subject once and he said that he did not have any money. I am in a better job, but it does not matter the sort of gift. What do you think?

- Karen

Dear Karen:

Let's talk frankly. Are you telling yourself that he cares for you deeply in an effort to justify your investment in a relationship that is not financially reciprocal? I am always reminded of the scripture that says, 'For God so loved the world that He gave ... .' This tells me that giving is a by-product of love.

I do hope you did not give him gifts to receive gifts from him, but having said that, when you love someone it is your delight to do things for them and to give them gifts. I am not saying that he should become responsible for your bills but we cherish the gifts we receive from friends.

Even if you are earning more money, I am sure there must be a gift somewhere that he could afford on his salary. I would advise that before you go deeper into the relationship, you critically assess his spending pattern or his heart where gift-giving is concerned. If he is prepared to accept gifts from you, he should be prepared to give a gift also.