Spencer Williams, Contributor

I am not talking about my mother's patties, though if you saw the size of my stomach, you'd think that was all she fed me when I was growing up! I am speaking of Jamaica's fast food-staple - the patty (and the loaf).

First, I apologise for my three-month hiatus. I've been enjoying culinary delights elsewhere. I'm back and taking an edible exploration around the island. My most recent exploit has been the pastries of May Pen.

I ate my way around Clarendon's capital and held a secret shopper competition among three islandwide chains: Mother's and Tastee, both on Main Street, and Juici on Manchester Avenue.

My initial visit was to Tastee. At the cash register, one collects a receipt and then joins the crowd at the other end of the counter. Assistants don't serve these waiting customers in chronological order. It is on your own back to push 'yuhself' up, stick out an arm, and hope that your receipt gets taken first! To be fair, the employees are quick at collecting your order. The only hold-up would be from the oven itself. I love to see those metal trays coming through a 'window' from the kitchen, with steaming hot delights on them

Beef patty unbeatable

The beef patty is unbeatable with its delicious flaky pastry and filling that's full of spice. There's a generous amount of meat that becomes scant closer to the edges. The meatloaf has just as good a filling, but the bread was stale.

The cheese patty is much the same as the beef, except it has a more creamy texture. Don't let it cool down as it will coagulate and turn rubbery.

The chicken patty is a grave disappointment. Is chicken scarce? Is there a surplus of curry powder, which is why the bird is replaced with this intensely bitter concoction? To be honest, I'm not even sure it is our little feathery friend in there!

As for the vegetable patty - an abundance of pak choi and cabbage, but who seasons it? Someone without taste buds? The soggy pastry is just insulting! And the veggie loaf is even worse; they might as well not bother.

Next stop was Mother's, which was empty. I stood at the cashier for five minutes before asking if I'd get served. Nope, I was in the wrong place. Hello! Couldn't someone tell me this? While I was waiting, I witnessed the sole assistant rudely shout out to one customer from the drink fridge, "Yu nuh 'ear mi a talk to yuh?" Excuse me, how about a little decorum in the workplace?

Power patty weak

I am being generous with the use of the word substandard to describe the food, which is pre-bagged and lying for a long while in the 'hot plate'. The fish patty is so dull, my cat wouldn't eat it!

The power patty, apparently made with soy, tastes like bottled sauce. You ever had English 'Bisto' gravy? And the cheese and beef patties were wishy-washy.

I was in awe at how well-run and clean Juici was. Three cashiers were operating, each for particular requests. These people were busy, and the line was long. I lingered less than a minute for my number to be called. No wonder this business has taken off over all the competitors!

The beef and cheese patties have plenty succulent filling, but the crust is tough, as if too much water has been added, or it's been over-handled.

The chicken patty has bigger bits of foul than Tastee's, but the curry is harsher. Recipe testing needed urgently! The meatloaf was good, with tender minced beef and soft fresh bread.

When all was sampled and done, it was pretty easy to conclude who came third. It's a toss-up between the other two as winners. The next time I'm craving a beef patty, I'll be faithful to the ones which are truly tasty but if I'm wanting a more orderly 'restaurant', I guess I'll choose the one with the healthy option of a juicy meatloaf.