Tym Glaser, Associate Editor- Sport

To Father Christmas, 2512 Polar Bear Drive, North Pole

DEAR SANTA,

Now, my chubby friend, I know you have a whole heap of things on your plate right now, what with your homeland shrinking due to that nasty global warming.

And, I understand this time of year you are snowed under (likkle pun there, oh Jolly One) by tonnes of letters from little tykes all over the world.

And, I realise you probably can't be everywhere at once (although that is part of your job description) … and not everyone gets what they want on Chrissie Day but, c'mon now, I was a good boy last year, so what the flying reindeer happened to my 60-inch plasma TV?

I thought it was a pretty fair request after hardly asking for anything at all from you over the past couple of decades. No demands for world peace or an end to whale hunting or finding a cure for the common cold. Just one, blinking, simple plasma TV was all I asked for.

Follow the gunfire

What? You get lost on the way to Jamaica? It's not too hard to find, Tubby. You just head south after hitting Cuba (where you don't stop anyway) and then follow the gunfire.

Got it now, Big Fella?

Okay, being a man of reason, I'll give you another chance this December 25 to deliver, and my request is modest. I don't want a billion dollars to float football in the island or the West Indies to win a Test series as some miracles are simply too great - even for you.

Nope, Saint Nick, all I want for Xmas is a drug-free sports year. Yep, it's as simple as that - no cheating in 2008.

Now I know this is a toughie because it's an Olympic year and you've probably already got a bucketful or requests for syringes and HGH, but just throw them in the bin.

I want a clean Olympic Games, I want clean baseball players, I want a clean Tour de France. I want my faith to be restored in athletes and the games I love to watch. The constant cheating and skullduggery has really jaded me now. Boy, the only thing I could think of that could be worse would be if you didn't even exist - ho, ho, ho.

Delight in purity of sport

Oh Rotund One, all I want is one little year in which I can sit on my couch and trust everything I see and delight in the purity of sport again.

Now, that's not too much to ask, is it? Oh, and if you want to throw in that plasma TV, I sure won't complain.

Look, I'm not into threats, Big Fella, but if the athletes continue testing positive next year, then let me just say that I've eaten venison and it tastes real good and I know where you stable the reindeer. Later …

Feedback: tym.glaser@gleanerjm.com