Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I've been married for 10 years and have a seven-year-old. I got married very young and now I think I have totally outgrown my husband. We have had some problems in the past that are not unique to us as a young married couple.

The problem is he was very abusive, both verbally and physically. Sadly, our child was exposed to most of that and now she is acting them out. She has no respect for him and threatens to call the police if she sees him touching me. We have not shared the matrimonial bed for almost a year now. That goes to show the extent of the breakdown.

It's really a long story but my main concern now is that of our child. She is very much aware of what is happening and I want to help her. I have no intentions of reconciling the marriage, even though my husband is desperately trying. I've had enough and I honestly can't love him again.

Would you suggest that I get counselling for my child?

- Francine

Dear Francine:

A woman who experiences abuse in any form, whether verbal, emotional or physical, will be affected in one way or another. Abuse is destructive and should never be tolerated. Unfortunately, after the abuse, the offender is usually very apologetic, claiming that it would never happen again. The victim usually believes and the abuse recurs.

Children who have witnessed or experienced violence often see the world as a mean place and will protect themselves by responding in mean, aggressive ways themselves. In some ways, they see 'being mean' as safer than being a victim. As such, they will act out the aggression in their interactions with their peers.

You mention that you no longer share the matrimonial bed but you are still living in the house and I am sure that the interaction with your husband must be conflictual. This would continue to have a negative effect on your child. To take your child for counselling while continuing to live in the same house is like rescuing a fish from a dirty pond, cleaning it up and then putting it back into the same pond. It would be a futile act.

You say that your husband is desperately trying. However, if he is serious about the relationship, I would suggest that the family see a counsellor.

Commitment fears

Dear Counsellor:

I have been living with my boyfriend for the past three years and I think we have a good relationship. The problem that I am having is that he seems unwilling to make a commitment.

There are times when he would say that we should start thinking of getting married and then when I want to start talking seriously about it, he will find other things to do and not entertain the conversation. What should I do?

- Carrie

Dear Carrie:

Many persons are afraid of commitment. They fear that the commitment may ask too much of their time and may inhibit their personal freedom.

Your boyfriend may be plagued with fears, which may affect his ability to make any form of commitment. You may want to take the relationship to the next level, but please do not coerce him into marriage, as this ultimately does not work. This is a decision that he must make of his own volition.

Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.