Yahneake Sterling, Staff Reporter

So you had a quarrel with your best pal and now you're not speaking with each other.

Maybe it was her/his fault, maybe it's yours. Despite this, you're feeling down because you miss your late-night talks, or those times spent over a meal together while planning how you'd work off the the extra calories the next day.

Whatever it is that caused the rift may not be worth losing your friendship over. So maybe it's time you swallow your pride, and make the first move.

"That can be quite challenging," according to behavioural scientist and counsellor Dr. Grace Kelly.

"It depends on the kind of hurt that was experienced," she added. "If it's a best friend, over time, he/she would have grown to understand how you interpret things. Normally it's a perception of what happened that impacts the outcome."

You may not realise it, but close friends who really appreciate each other tend to have more fights than others because what one does means a lot to the other. How one thinks and behaves means more to the other than the behaviour of a stranger.

Dr. Kelly says that friends share what is called unconditional positive regard - 'in spite of who you are, what you do and what you are, I still care about you, I still want to protect you, I still want to share my life, my joys, my sorrows, and my feelings with you in spite of what you have done.'

Renewing friendship

So, the road to renewing your friendship can take much thought, and knowing what your friend likes to do is important in this process. If your friend likes fishing, then organising with a mutual friend to go fishing with the other person gives you a chance to meet face to face with the other person and break the ice.

Having the guts to face the person can be the key to healing the wounds.

While you may not get the response you want the first time, there are a few ways toapproach the situation. Here Dr. Kelly tells how:

One of the most important things is transparency in communication and behaviour. Don't say anything that can have dual meanings. Speak clearly to the issue or the point.

Apologise for what happened and identify with the person. Nobody can understand the true feelings of anyone else, and sometimes the words, 'I understand', can be met with resistance. So you may want to say, 'I can appreciate how you feel', 'If I were you, I think I would react the same way.'

Admit that you have caused hurt and admit to what you have done and admit to wanting to change so as to improve the relationship.

Be genuine, honest, respectful and real.

Ask for forgiveness. "I have done this and I am sorry." You have to say the "I'm sorry" and not just send a card (be personal).

If you do not receive a positive response then you should:

Be respectful of the person's position. Say, "I hope that one day, you'll be able to understand me and forgive me. I am going to forgive myself."

Don't bombard the person. Rather, give him or her space to heal, refresh themselves and to build up the courage to accept the apology.

For the angry person, never forget that when you forgive the other person, you are not helping them, you are helping yourself. You are hurt more than the other person because you are angry. Free yourself of the issue and move on.