Paul H. Williams, Gleaner Writer

Tashawn Tonge

Tashawn, 25, has 12 siblings - five brothers and seven sisters; same father, but different mothers. Of the six brothers, three are living with chronic lymphocytic leukaemia (CLL). One was diagnosed only within the last month. Yet, their father doesn't have the condition, but "we are keeping a watchful eye on him," Tashawn said, smiling.

One brother, Tarren, died of complications related to CLL, in September, last year, at age 27. In reflecting on his brother's passing, Tashawn said, "It still seems difficult to comprehend because my brother took the path of battling the illness in silence; we were not aware of his illness and how far it was. My brother chose to live his days happy without chemo or radiation and it's a decision I can understand." Tashawn can more than understand because he's one of the three brothers living with CLL.

All cancers, including CLL, begin as a mutation in the genetic material, the DNA, within certain cells. Leukaemia begins when one or more white blood cells experience DNA loss or damage. Those errors are copied and passed on to subsequent generations of cells. The abnormal leukaemic cells remain immature, yet they do not die as normal cells do. They multiply and accumulate within the body. Put simply, the abundance of these immature white blood cells destroy the very vital red blood cells, leaving the body vulnerable to infections and other complications. It is cancer of the blood.

Discovery of illness

It was December 2004 when Tashawn discovered he had leukaemia. He was sitting at a dinner table on Christmas Eve when the results of some medical examinations he had done came in. He recalled, "For a while, I was in shock ... let's just say the following day was not the celebration it should have been. I spent it hanging over a tub (regurgitating) my stomach contents, as I had consumed an amazing amount of alcohol in an effort to cleanse my thoughts."

Days later, with the help of his brother Sylvester, he gathered his family in one room, to break the news. Sylvester, who is a doctor, and also living with CLL, "was the only one who could help me tell my family ... I couldn't even fathom what I was going to go through (since) my mother is battling breast cancer".

But, it seems like cancer has always been devastating Tashawn's family. As a youngster, he had seen his grandmother, aunts, and later, his mother, battle breast cancer. "My brothers went from vibrant young men always picking on me to ageing men, who were in and out of hospital and ever taking medication, balancing treatments and experimental drugs," he recalled.

After the announcement of his illness, Tashawn went into denial for about two months. He read much about the disease, "but didn't really internalise what (he) was reading" because in his mind, it still wasn't happening, and least of all, to him. He came to terms with his illness only when the first set of serious pains started to wrack his body.

Diagnosed as a child

He realised then that what was happening to him was a recurrence, because as a child he was diagnosed with leukaemia, but was never told. He remembered being sick, undergoing treatments; being teased for having no hair, and always being skinny. "My parents made the decision not to tell me what I was living with as a child, a decision I can understand, an many might not, as for me, it saved my childhood in many ways," he reasoned.

The past three years have been very challenging, with Tashawn "continually getting sick". The disease has manifested itself in many ways, including "black and blue marks all over my skin, similar to those a (physically) abused victim would have after a heavy beating, and while they don't hurt, I found themquite strange".

Extraordinary symptoms

Sometimes, he is cold in the 'blazing sun' and very hot when the weather is cold. He would have "difficulty getting over simple things like the common cold ... extreme bone pain, like a million needles piercing my bone in unison. A chronic pain or fullness just below my ribcage, chronic fatigue, and sometimes swelling in my stomach and groin ... My nervous system is sometimes affected to the point that I will shake in uncontrollable fashion or have difficulty even picking up simple things like a cup, as the brain power and the physical functions don't work always work together."

To stay alive, Tashawn has to undergo a battery of treatments: low- to medium-dose radiation therapy, chemotherapy with three drugs including steroids, clinical trial of monoclonal antibodies, as well as regular Coomb tests. But the side effects can be as debilitating as the condition itself.

"The worst for me are the radiation/chemo and the bone-marrow aspirations ... pain is all I can say ... It's hard ... difficult to say the least. Cancer can change so many things ... your perception of yourself; it makes you feel ugly, it doesn't travel alone, it brings many issues/circumstances."

Since his diagnosis, Tashawn has accepted his circumstances. He said, "I won't say that I suddenly got a new lease on life when I found out I had CLL; that's so far from the truth. I was depressed and very troubled by the news ... I can say, however, that I'm so far today from that 22-year-old, who learned he had leukaemia ... I have grown, hurt, felt, experienced. It's the ability to learn and to grow that determines who we are in life."

So, he has learned to bear the pains that come with leukaemia, "some physical, some emotional, some spiritual. Physically, I have a difficulty maintaining a (stable) body weight, steroids make that increasingly difficult."

His most poignant memory of the pain is standing in front of his mirror and see his hair fall into the sink. He recollected, "I cried,I am only in my 20s. Yeah, it does grow back, but never the same way ... it all changes. Many times I could have (passed on) already, but for the gift of life, love and a chance at another opportunity to make an impact, I am truly grateful."

Thanks for the support

He's thankful for the tremendous support from family and friends. He said, "I think when you grow up with as many siblings as I did, you have the opportunity to experience so much, but I am grateful for the love that they have given me on all accounts. My mom is there for me; she is a beacon of hope, and my grandmother still calls to check on me numerous times a day."

The support from the medical fraternity is equally as strong. He has high praises for "Dr. Teneisha McGhie, she is truly God's gift to this world, Dr. P. A. Leak; (and) Dr. J. Scott, amazing, amazing!"

On reflecting on what the future holds for him, a person living with a life-threatening illness, he said, "Life is a journey. Live it or let it live you. I choose the former 'cause when I die at 103, my (epitaph) will read: 'He lived, he loved, and he cared without ever needing to be loved back, but he did it anyway.'"

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