Melville Cooke

On Tuesday night, at a gas station in Cross Roads, I had another of those regretted holding door moments, an experience I am sure countless other men can identify with.

I was going into one of those gas station supermarkets when a young woman approached from the other side. The door opened outwards and I naturally held it ajar for her to exit, which she did, very slowly, sauntering past the human being holding the door (an oh so sorry I) without a glance, much less an acknowledgement.

And there I was, left holding the door one more time and ruing yet another attempt at extending graciousness to someone who probably does not even say grace before eating.

I have seen other men in the same moment of 'doormanship' and spoken with others who have had close non-contact of the hinged kind with women and the expressions of disgust, verbal and non-verbal, are the same. And those I have spoken to have taken the same position as I have; we do not expect or desire effusive thank yous and instant dispensation of telephone numbers. We simply wish theacknowledgement which indicates that our act of graciousness has not been wasted on someone who is not gracious.

Condescending act

In these days of feminism, maybe a strange man holding a door open for a woman is a condescending act, the proper response on her part being to ignore him in the hope that he will desist from his attempts to unhinge the opposition in the silent gender war. In that case, I would prefer if they said 'I can do this myself'.

I have noticed, though, that most of the ungracious are the image (as opposed to reality, which we will never know) of well-heeled, perched on stilettos, hip in hipsters or busy in business suits. It could be just another example of the tyranny of the thin, the fascism of the fashionable, the brutality of the beautiful, which plays out on a daily basis on both sides of the underwear rack.

Grace or weakness

This matter of 'doormanship' goes beyond an encounter at an exit, though. There is the deeper issue of just how much courtesy a man should extend to a woman he is in a relationship with or hoping to get closer to. Sadly, there are women who believe that an act of grace is an act of weakness, or they are so used to men bending over backwards to bend them over backwards or simply be in their aura that they are casually cruel. Woe be unto he who tries to extend basic courtesies and deference unto these creatures, but glory be to he who treats them with indifference and even coarseness.

They seem to thrive on it.

Of course, in these days where image is nearly all, it may be a case that some women quickly size up the man who is holding the door for them and decide in an instant if he is worthy of acknowledgement. (Being not the most fashionable male, to put it mildly, this may have been my fate). While that would be extremely sad, it would explain how so many women make spectacularly bad choices of partners and fathers for their children.

They base whom they 'talk to', whether at the door of a supermarket or in the Jamaican sense of 'talk to' on clothing, car and credit card, then when the beast comes out of the beauty they complain.

Me? I just hold the door and watch them saunter past into misery.