Eulalee Thompson

Carolyn Graham, social psychologist who has maintained a long-standing interest in this matter, said that the abuse of men by their partners takes three forms: physical, verbal and emotional, as borne out by the case studies.

Women throw things

She said that people always ask the question, "How can a woman beat a man?" She reports gender differences in the pattern of female batterers. While women may not have the strength to hold a man and beat or batter him, they throw objects (such as pans, bottles and utensils).

"They even throw things indirectly, turn over things,wipe things off tables, slap him or give him a one thump, stab or use implements," said Ms. Graham.

Lanny Davidson, founder of The Father's Crisis Centre in Kingston, agrees that female abusers overpower their physically stronger partners by using 'the element of surprise'.

"They wait until the man is asleep and then they throw acid on him, hot water or hit him on the head. I know of a case where a man was severely burnt with hot water while he was sleeping and he was hospitalised for some time," he said.

It was the element of surprise that caught 'Joe', who spoke only on the conditions that his name is changed and identity protected. He said that he was hit, from behind, on the back of the head with an umbrella.

" ... and still I didn't hit back. I moved out rather than she kill me or I kill her. And, even after I moved out she continued the abuse. She burnt up all my personal treasures in the backyard; everything went up in smoke and she was so elated. When I came to collect the rest of my stuff, she showed me the ashes (of my personal treasures) in the backyard with a smile on her face. I was so angry, I wanted to chop her up but I calmed down myself, collected my things and drove out," 'Joe' said.

Fear of labels

Ironically, it is machismo, bravado and other cultural definitions of manliness that have kept this issue under the carpet. The men in this article could not be named because they are afraid of being labelled as 'whimps', 'maama man' or worse.

Mr. Davidson said that even the police are not sympathetic to cause of male victims.

"I know of a case where a man called the police because he was being abused by is wife and she was drunk and also abusing their infant child. When the police came, she started to scream 'rape', 'murder' and the police locked him up instead," he said.

Ms. Graham said that the important message is that abuse is abuse regardless of the victim and it should be taken seriously.

"Because in all cases the victims and perpetrators need help. Men are humans too and should benefit from our sympathies and care. We treat our men badly, from they are boys. We should e-gender our language on domestic abuse, make it so that when we talk about victims and perpetrators we don't automatically think of a man beating a woman, but we look to the specific situation (if we can) and what obtains in the particular social-psychological space which these two persons occupy and how they attempt to negotiate this space," she said.

Male victims like female victims of domestic violence say that they stay in the relationship because of the children, they love their partners, they don't want to break up the family and because they hope that things will get better.

Here, where machismo, philandering and thedominant male superstructure (never mind murmursof male marginalisation) reside comfortably, the ideaof men as victims, more so victims of domesticviolence, will take some getting used to. But,they are now,...

Their voices say:

Man #1

"I go home and see her in the dark and she said she want to talk to me. I never want to talk, so I went to the computer room and she follow me. I don't pay her any mind, and she box off the computer. Some lamp and things were on the computer desk and she just use her hand and wipe them off the desk, then she take up a flashlight/radio and she lick (hit) mi with it."

Man #3

"When I was laid off and she alone was working, that is when she got really bad - mi mus' go look work, is sissy sit down a yard and cook and clean - because I would do stuff in the house. I was there, so I thought I should help out and we had to let the cleaning lady stop coming to save money. She used it to cuss mi."

Man #2

"One time though she thump me in my chest and another time she push me in a wall. That is why I leave her. One day she box mi and mi hold her hands and then when I let them go, she rush me with a knife. I grab her and we wrestle with the knife and it cut me on my hand."

Man #4

"We wake up one morning and she was not talking, vex. She up and down the house crying - she do things like that to make me feel guilty - and she was telling the baby that if she go away is her father fault, and say she going to kill herself; she take a piece of electrical cord and say she going to hang herself."

Feedback at eulalee.thompson@gleanerjm.com.