Ivret Williams

Dear Counsellor:

I am 32 years old and I consider myself to be quite attractive. However, whenever I am in a relationship and it begins to get more intimate, I begin to find fault with the person and then end it.

In my first relationship, I thought it would have lasted, but another woman came between us. I guess this has made me wary of relationships. I would like to settle down and have a family, but at this rate it is not happening. I need your advice.

- Sheryl

Dear Sheryl:

I wish I could tell you that you will never experience any more pain or disappointment in your life, but that is not possible. Unfortunately, life is pain, life is disappointments.

You might have felt guilty that you were the person at fault, and as such you may be inadvertently punishing yourself by ending these relationships. Additionally, for some persons, developing a close relationship can be scary as this requires self-disclosure.

This frightens many persons because they fear that after unveiling themselves emotionally they may be rejected. Having said that, you cannot use one experience to label all other relationships. If you desire a family, you must be prepared to take the plunge and open your heart.

There is no guarantee that you will never be hurt again, but as the saying goes, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

Help me to move on

Dear Counsellor:

Why is it easier for men to move on when a relationship ends? Men seem to be able to move easily from one relationship to another without any remorse while many women find it so hard to move on.

I was in a relationship which ended eight months ago and I seem stuck. I have been invited out on dates, but I either turn them down or go, but I am no fun to anyone. What can I do to move on?

- Janet

Dear Janet:

In many relationships, the man may have had another woman 'on the side' who has been in the picture all the time. For the man, it is simply a change of address.

Although it may seem that the men are not hurting, many do experience pain when a relationship ends. However, men are rational creatures, and instead of spending their lives grieving, they will analyse the situation, pick up the pieces and move on. Some will even use one woman to erase the memory of another.

Women, on the other hand, are emotional creatures and some will spend their lives pining over the lost love. If in the past relationship, the woman had been the 'giver' and the man the 'taker', the woman might have been comfortable with that, believing that because she is giving, this will keep the man.

The person may feel indebted, resulting in feelings of obligation in the other person to stay in the relationship. When this relationship ends, the woman will be more heartbroken than the man because she would have invested more. The 'giver' will be left feeling confused, not knowing how to approach the next relationship.

Janet, would you consider yourself a 'clinger'? Persons will cling to a relationship and do everything to hold the relationship in place. I would advise you to look closely at the past relationships and see if there is a thread running through that is common to the relationships.

If you are on speaking terms with the individual, you could ask him to give his honest opinion of what caused the relationship to end. This would give you an idea of the aspects of your personality you may need to improve and make a conscientious effort to change. Janet, please do not allow one relationship to cripple you for life.

Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Email letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.