Dear Counsellor:

I am 20 years old and for the past eight months I have been in a relationship with a guy who is 28 years old.

My problem is that two weeks into the relationship we had sex and that is how the relationship has been ever since. Every time we see each other we have sex. I wish it were not so, but I do not know how to prevent this from happening. I like him very much but I sometimes feel used after everything is over.

I have spoken about it to a very good friend of mine who is older than I am and she feels that the guy is using me. What do you think?

- Tamara

Dear Tamara:

In a quiet moment I would like you to answer honestly the following questions concerning the relationship that you are in:

1. How does it make you feel about yourself?

2. Does it increase your feelings of value about yourself?

3. Does it make your life more significant than it was before?

Every relationship is to add value to our lives, not take away from it. Tamara, sex is only one avenue in the relationship. Now is the time to discover the different avenues in your relationship.

Relationships carry various platforms such as friendship, intimacy (without sex), dating, courting and then climaxing with marriage. You have been taken down the sex avenue and you are stuck there. Let your boyfriend know how you feel. Please do not be a victim in the relationship. Even though you are much younger, remember you have a voice. And you have a choice.

You should decide whether or not you would like to have sex. Tamara, in this exciting period of your life, do not sell yourself short. A long and lasting relationship cannot be built on sex.

Dear Counsellor:

It is a blessing to have you give advice to others. May you be inspired for a long time to come. In your reply to Richard, 'Hurt to the core', dated October 7, 2006, he said his wife wanted to discuss the matter, and here I quote; "but I was not in the mood to talk".

Communication is the key to all relationships. Perhaps you should revisit.

From Richard's own comment, I get the impression that communication may not be one of his strong points. Keep up the good work.

- Dowie

Dear Dowie:

Many thanks for your letter. I will agree with you that communication is a very essential element to any relationship. Let me say, however, that inability to communicate is not a 'man thing.' Women, too, can have that problem.

For communication to be effective, persons must be prepared to be honest. Persons will say one thing and mean another as their body language will conflict with their verbal messages. Individuals must pick a time and place that will facilitate communication.

One should not start an argument if there will not be enough time to finish it. For example, to start an argument when your spouse is leaving for work or when you are driving in traffic is the wrong time and place. Another wrong time is when your husband or boyfriend is getting ready to eat. To start an argument at your parent's home is the wrong place as the conversation may become one-sided as this is not neutral territory.

For communication to be effective, participants must focus on one issue at a time. Persons will bottle up their issues and in a moment of anger, they will spill everything. So instead of focusing on one problem at a time, persons will often be wrongfully engaged in sorting out several issues at a time. Effective communication comes with practice.