Dear Counsellor:

I read your articles weekly and I find them very informative. I would like to see an article done on single women in the church. It is a fact that there are too many ladies in the church who are desirous of being married and having children, who wait patiently for Mr. Right, all in vain. Some of these ladies end up lonely, single and childless at the end of the day; by this time their child-bearing days are long gone and we are told that it is too risky to try.

I have a girlfriend who left the church went and got pregnant and has a nice little three-year-old boy now. She is back in church as a single parent and is very fulfilled and seems happy. I think quietly she is the envy of a lot of us ladies. She is 40 years old. What is it that we ladies are doing wrong when it comes to meeting men?

Sometimes the younger sisters in their 20s and even teenagers get married and leave us still waiting. I was told to get an education, be independent and wait on the Lord. I did all that. Now I am told that I should not say that I am a virgin at my age because it is more of a turn off than a virtue to some men. What is wrong with older women (graduates) dating younger men (non graduates)? We sisters need to understand this whole relationship issue better. I look forward to your next article.

- Marlene

Dear Marlene:

I sense a note of sadness in your voice. The sadness seems to emanate from the fact that you have done what was required of you, only to end up seemingly with nothing in return for being a 'good girl'. And so you ask, what was the purpose of all that? What would you have wanted to do differently? Would you have preferred not to have had an education? I am sure the answer is no. Would you have preferred to have been dependent on someone? You would shout NO! Then the problem might be that you would have preferred not to have 'waited on the Lord'? Is this where you disappointment lies?

Marlene, life scripts do not always go the way we would like. However, I believe that there is no disgrace in being a virgin (irrespective of what age you are), and there is no disappointment in waiting on God (however long He takes). Many times we look on the life script of someone else and compare it to ourselves. Every person has a different life script and if you trust in God (as you say you do) He will make all things beautiful in His time.

Dear Counsellor:

Greetings to you and I hope you will be able to assist me in any way possible. I am a 22-year-old female who has just finished college and is involved in a committed relationship which really is the first serious relationship I have been involved in. Let me get straight to the point. My problem is, I have no self-control whenever I am in an argument with my boyfriend. This is the third time I am loosing my cool in one week (Sunday, Wednesday and Saturday). The things that I have done are really extreme and I am not happy with my behaviour.

I sometimes feel like something is controlling the way I react in a situation. May I admit to you that they were all over pity stuff? However, there is something that is eating me up inside and I am not able to get to the root of it. I know I might need to go through a series of counselling. Let me know what you recommend.

- Gill

Dear Gill:

We either have control over our emotions or our emotions will have control over us. If our emotions have the upper hand then we become slaves to our emotions. If you have no control, you may end up damaging a good relationship or damaging the other person (even fatally).

Were you brought up in a conflicted home? If you were brought up in a home in which there were constant conflicts then that is the norm for you. As a result you may not be very comfortable in an environment in which there is constant peace. And so you will do things to create conflicts.

Gill, it is good that you have acknowledged that you need a change of behaviour. I would recommend that you see a professional who will be able to help you to not only identify why you act the way you do, but to also show you how to deal with your anger in ways that are socially acceptable.

There are several places that you could go for counselling. Among them are the Counselling Centre on West Avenue; Family Life Ministries on Ceceila Avenue, Webster Memorial Church; Bethel Baptist Church, and Boulevard Baptist Church. I would advise that you do so as soon as possible as you may do irreparable damage to a good relationship.