ARE YOU looking for Mr. Right? Women should know what right means to them. In order to get men to treat you the way you need, you should have a definition of what right looks like, insists family counsellor Kevin Bailey.
The therapist believes that women should take a vow not to have sex with or children for men who are not willing to commit to them.
"Women need to be more choosy as the results are terrible for children," Kevin Bailey states. The psychologist and author James Dobson notes that boys who are disconnected from their fathers are twice as likely to drop out of school, twice as likely to end up in prison and four times as likely to have emotional and behavioural problems.
Before you even begin to consider whether a man is right for you or not, stop a moment to check if you are capable of knowing right treatment.
Individuals, the family counsellor states, who are not emotionally healthy cannot detect emotional health in others.
EVALUATE SELF
There is a correlation between persons who are dysfunctional and the fact that they attract similar personalities to themselves. It is essential, therefore, to evaluate self and make sure you have a healthy self-concept and self-image.
Are you suffering from low self-esteem or is there an inferiority complex? Are you insecure? Is there the trait of dependency? Are there perfectionistic, manipulative or superficial traits? Have you been healed from abuse?
Hurters hurt and abusers abuse, so it is recommended that these issues be resolved when relating to rape or incest, before deciding you can take a man in a relationship and expect him to treat you right.
Self-examination before starting a relationship also includes looking at such issues as lack of forgiveness against parents and other members of the family of origin and even in past relationships.
THE RIGHT TREATMENT
So now we come to the issue of right treatment. What do you think it means to be treated right by a man?
Some people, the counsellor notes, believe that right treatment means the man is physically attractive and has sexual prowess. They may also think he must be a rich man. Others may look for popularity and fame or for the macho man. There are also ladies who look for a 'girl's' man whose stakes are high because he attracts and possesses many women. There are also women who are attracted to men who wield power.
All of these are superficial. If the emphasis is on these things - which can be here today and gone tomorrow - the relationship will be in problems.
CHARACTER
"I am suggesting that you look at the character of the individual," Kevin Bailey states.
He quotes Stu Webber, writer of the book The Tender Warrior who identifies four characteristics of men that women should really look for and so be able to train men to treat them right:
The man should be a leader and provider. He is the king and the king's heart provides. This includes providing whatever is needed but also a vision of where the relationship is going. He looks ahead, watches over, provides order, mercy and justice. Every man has a leader within him. Women should also be aware that the man should be a protector. This is the heart of a warrior. The warrior shields, defends, stands between and guards. Men stand tallest when they are protecting and defending. Mentor. The heart of the mentor is a teaching heart. The mentor models, explains and teaches. Finally, man must be a friend. The heart of a friend is a loving heart, passionate and compassionate. This friend is a promise keeper and a commitment maker.These four pillars bear the weight of authentic masculinity, Stu Webber states.
Locally, Kevin Bailey notes, a large percentage of households are headed by women. With the absence or absenteeism of fathers, sons are left to be trained by mothers who have the awesome responsibility to train their boys to treat women right.
It means therefore that women should encourage their men to take a more active part in being there for sons. If they can't get the man interested, they could find substitutes such as an uncle or a good friend who is able to act as a model of manhood to these sons.
The mothers should be able to guide their sons in a way that they themselves would like their partners to treat them. Boys must be encouraged and taught to share household chores. How they relate to their sisters and other females with respect is also important.
Information provided by Kevin Bailey, therapist, family counsellor and an associate of Family Life Ministries in Kingston.
